Catch & Release

starting new.

2012-01-21T13:31:00.000-08:00

started a new blog. just needed a change i guess...
go here to read what is new with me.

(http://www.thefoxtrotdamsel.blogspot.com)

cool kids never have the time.

2011-05-08T09:41:00.000-07:00

this year with are students is almost at its close. by tuesday, officially all of our students will be gone for summer. wow, our first year in colorado will be solidified in july.

i have loved the community we have been a part of here at CCU. from our amazingly open co-ed staff, to meeting & mentoring with beautiful women, to taking 15 of our students to jamaica, to working for an amazing family with two precious little boys, to be being almost married 3 years (this june) and turing 25 (this june as well), to finding an amazing church and making great friends there. what an amazing year.

however, in this moment as i look back (and if you usually read my blog you know i am quite a nostalgic lady), i find myself looking forward instead.

have you ever just had one of those moments when you really wanted change? you wanted to be more then what you have been. you want to strive to be greater (and not in a "I'm so great, look at me way" but rather "look at what God is doing in my life and with me. He is so good.").

i want to be giving. i want to be less selfish and more generous. generous of time and energy and money.

i want to be confident. i want to love myself and see myself the way God sees me.

i want to be faithful. i don't want to give up before i begin, i want to know that i can do anything through Him.

i want to know more. i want to be better with names, have more soul-talk coffee dates with students, and hear their stories. i want to lead a small group of young women next school year.

i want to be a blessing. a blessing to my husband, our staff, our family, and our friends. i want God to use me to encourage, support, love, help, honor, give, trust, and be a reflection of him to others.

i want more. more from myself, more from my life. i don't want complacency or apathy to control me. i want to rise above.

i want change.

be running up that road...

2011-03-25T10:16:00.001-07:00

sometimes i wonder why i feel like i've got so much to prove.

why lauren, why?

what does it matter anyway? isn't it meaningless and empty trying to prove yourself in a world where everyone is trying to prove something, whether we mean to or not?

whether we are trying to prove that we are...

STRONG

or WISE

SUCCESSFUL or

BEAUTIFUL

GOOD or

CONFIDENT

GENEROUS or a

SURVIVOR

a PEACE MAKER

or a DREAMER

an INDEPENDENT or an

INNOVATOR a

FIGHTER or a LOVER.

defining our selves. our self-worth. our existence.

no matter how much i want some of these things to be me, i HATE the fact that i WANT them. i don't want to care about how you or anyone else sees me. i just want to be me.

this doesn't mean that our actions and the way we carry ourselves have no meaning or are not important. to live Christ-like is very important....but it's not important to live Christ-like just so that others will think, "Oh what a GREAT person she is." it's important to live Christ-like, because WE WERE GIFTED WITH HIS LOVE AND SACRIFICE FOR US.

regardless of what you think of me, whether or not i am living as Christ would, my heart should be seeking God alone without attempting to show the world who i am. after all, if i was truly seeking Christ, the rest of me would truly reveal him to others, without a hidden agenda.

somehow people are all filled with hidden agendas. we all have a deep desire to be liked, perhaps even really adored. we like thinking we have the answers, and we like when people seek us out for advice or wisdom. we like feeling needed and loved.

however, doing these things selflessly without agenda is difficult, and usually a CHORE. terrible of me to say that right? a CHORE in helping others?

i need to wash my hands. my ego is getting dirty.

oh wait, i already believe God has washed these blood stained hands, so why am i always trying to steal the credit?

hm. me writing this already feels like irony. again she always has something to prove.

"remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but backwards and in high heels." ~Faith Whittlesey

2011-02-05T14:03:00.000-08:00

perhaps it was because i was born a woman, but i have always had quite a heart for my kind.

mothers, daughters, sisters, wives, family, friends. visionaries, creators, leaders, rehabilitator's, peacekeepers, and survivors. we are made up of so much love, passion, strength, and joy.

and yet we are so undefinable.

our roles are and have always been so much deeper then the restraints society have ever imposed upon us.

we are a beautiful reflection of our creator. so much more then a pretty face.

_________________________________________________________________________

my dear friend suzannah was my youth leader in high school. she led my small group, and she always listened to our hard questions, and never judged us for those questions. she is a beautiful woman, and one of her recent blogposts at her blog so much shouting, so much laughter, is a bit of prose titled, "the daughters of Jerusalem."

Daughters of Jerusalem.

at 22, i let myself be talked into wearing heels at our wedding because
that is what brides [re: women] do, don'tyouknow?

worn once and dirtied from sinking into rain-dampened earth,
in photos i tower over my groom and am reminded
of a time i didn't listen to my instincts

i heed them better at 30

i cannot define Womanhood and suspect prescriptive labels of
running a size-too-small to cover each one appropriately
(aren't we, after all, created to image a creative, infinite God?)

your daughters will prophesy and re-imagine,
blazing trails and remaining faithful to the Spirit poured-out still

and i quit trying to squeeze my twice-swelled body into juniors' jeans,
embracing the woman i've become over the girl who once was

(original post here)

thanks for this, Suz.

and i told you to be patient

2011-01-03T09:25:00.000-08:00

why does time move so fast?

especially when you want it to move so slow as to savor ever sight, moment, and taste. capturing it forever in your memory. holding it so closely so as not to lose it.

i had the great blessing to have two weeks off in arow. a week in pittsburgh and aweek in denver.

two very different worlds. both places i call home. each moment was full of either laughter & love, or rest & relaxation. i loved them all.

2010 was a tumultuous year. trying to figure out myself. losing a job and our home. living in pittsburgh with love and support from our family and friends. turning 24. celebrating 2 years of marriage. moving out to denver, colorado. meeting our students, finding a job, connecting with a church. having family and friends visit us. soaking in the splendor of the west.

i smile thinking of 2011. and as much as i don't want to time to move so fast, i also look forward to it passing. funny, huh? i look forward to students returning to campus, going skiing, getting to know our friends better, returning to jamaica, winter giving way to spring, having more friends and family visit, turning 25, celebrating 3 years, going to cape may NJ, being part of my cousin jena's wedding.

wishing you an amazing 2011.

so this is growing up.

2010-12-28T19:28:00.001-08:00

PITTSBURGH.

i have always loved my city. even during my teens when most kids hate their hometown and are dying to escape, i found myself content with PGH. perhaps it was in my blood. my great great great grandparents on both sides of my family immigrated to pittsburgh from poland and scotland, over a hundred years ago.

then my great grandparents (on both sides) would eventually settle in lawrenceville, one of pittsburgh's largest neighborhoods. my parents would both grow up in lawrenceville and meet there, fall in love-marry-& have children there, and continue to live there now in the same house my dad grew up in. i loved living in this old, decrepit, lower-middle class neighborhood with its row homes, graffiti, and pure-blooded Yinzer's. i laugh at how it has became a renewedhub of artists and hipsters, when it was once so white trash (and thank goodness it has not lost its roots).

(44th street in l-ville)

although i have not lived in pittsburgh for the past 2 1/2 years, it always remains home in my heart. i know the city like the back of my hand, and have family on all sides of the rivers. i love our culture and our pride. i love our slang and the way pittsburgh has ability to laugh at itself because of it. so what if we talk funny? if we spoke proper english we'd sound like robots anyway. i love the Penguins and the Steelers, and well i love the Pirates...stadium. i love french fries on salads and sandwiches. i love the large senior community, especially my parents neighbors. i love bridges in various designs and colors. i love the old charm mixed with new and up-incoming. i love that all our sports teams are black & gold, definitive and unified.

i just spent a little over a week visiting friends and family in this city i grew up in. i enjoyed every minute of it and i usually do. i feel so blessed to have lived in one place most of my life and to have really known that place. i feel so blessed to have most of my family and quite a considerable amount of friends concentrated in one city. i was born here, grew up here, was educated here, fell in love here, and was truly loved here.

i learned a lot living in indiana for two years, and i absolutely love living in denver now, but well pittsburgh will always be near and dear to my heart.

so pittsburgh this post is for you. thanks for the memories.

"...and all i ask is that you'll be there when i return."

love & peace,

laur

asleep the snow came flying in.

2010-11-28T13:56:00.001-08:00

sometimes when i listen to certain music it's as if i have a new sense of purpose.

it's as if the world is opening up and the future seems less daunting.

i can take on anything, go anywhere.

sometimes the music takes me back several years to other places i've been.

sometimes it makes me laugh, cry, dance, smile, dream, and hope.

my father always listens to a lot of instrumental christmas music with versions of all the classics updated with synthesizers, harp and steel drums, changed slightly to give them a different feel, yet beautiful none the less. my favorite are the new takes on traditional hymns. they give me goosebumps every time i hear them. they also stir my soul. i am reminded about why the holiday season is so important.

as this year is coming to a close, i look back at it seeing all that has occurred, and i can't help but think how meaningless it all would be for me if not for my loving Savior who has truly given me a life worth living.

i read an article recently in a magazine about prayer. the person writing it had no real faith in anything, and it made me think how meaningless it must be to pray when you don't know what or who you are praying too. it seemed empty and dark. a one sided dialogue. as Christians, yes, prayer might not always be answered in the way we would individually hope for it, but we always know Christ is listening and knows what is best for each of us. we know that He LOVES us, and to be loved is one of the greatest treasures on earth.

it is such a beautiful thing to BELIEVE, to believe in something that isn't about me, my wants or desires, but to believe in something that is above myself and all of the world. but also to believe in something that teaches us how to truly love the world.

all else is meaningless underneath the sun.

thankful.

2010-11-26T15:13:00.000-08:00

God you are so good.

i take you for granted what sometimes feel like almost everyday.

i thank you for family and friends.

i thank you for bringing us to denver, CO and for CCU.

i thank you for our residents and students.

i thank you for our home and our jobs.

i thank you for cranberry and sugar.

i thank you for taking care of me, loving me, blessing me when i fail to honor, love, and serve you with everything. please change my heart daily LORD and let it serve you. PLEASE.

scars are souvenirs you never loose, the past is never far.

2010-10-11T19:41:00.000-07:00

wow, i am so nostalgic.

sitting on my couch i just had a flashback to middle school. life was so different then.

not necessarily easier, just different.

i remember my obsession with teen movies from the 80s and my serious crush on john cusack. oh and let's not forget my revisiting of 80s music: Duran Duran, Tears for Fears, Howard Jones, anyone? then there was also the fact that i would waste hours playing "zelda: ocarina of time" on my brothers N64. oh and then there was also that shameful fact that Sailormoon (anime on cartoon network) was my more of my guilty pleasure tv show then say the oh so popular Dawson's Creek.

i also thought i was such a bad ass cause my friends and i swore like a sailors (i sadly still struggle with this believe it or not) and cause we listened to hard core/alternative bands like Korn, Silver Chair, and the Offspring (although i still secretly had soft spots for those soul searching people/bands like Jewel, Alanis, Pearl Jam, and Paula Cole). i remember how i thought i wanted to be an archeologist, mainly because i loved history and was obsessed with indiana jones. oh and i should also mention that i adored science fiction. i would watch the tv show Babylon 5 with my dad, and i was in love with Star Wars.

hahaha. a closet nerd as you can tell.

i remember "going out" for the first and only time (before my college years) with the guy i liked, and breaking up with him after a week cause i got scared of commitment. oh how silly, right? i also remember never having to travel far for holidays, all of my family was in pittsburgh, everyone was so close. i also remember my love for vampire novels (yes and this was WAY before twilight was ever written). oh and when i used to day dream for hours about that handsome prince who would sweep me off my feet someday. then there was also my crushes on numerous Pittsburgh Penguins (including Alexi Morosov *le sigh*). middle school was also the time when i met Jane Austen and entered the world of P&P and Mansfield Park. gosh, then i also learned HTML and web design (thank you PSP7) and created my own website; ha this is a little after i learned what the heck the internet was and after my parents got AOL. speaking of which i remember wasting hours on Instant Messenger. oh and no one but rich people had cell phones and they were still pretty large, and people relied on pagers! ha!

i also remember barely scratching the surface of what i believed in, and only barely understanding Christ's love for me.

hmm. sometimes it's nice to revisit those memories. i know i'm still so young, but its so funny to look at yourself when you were EVEN younger.

"let everything that i said i'd do,

like make the world brand new,

and take the time for you

i just got lost and slept right through the dawn

and the world spins madly on."

all who wander are not lost.

2010-09-05T09:55:00.000-07:00

is it really september? can summer really go by so fast? can life really change as quickly as it has?

it still feels like summer here in denver. 90 degree heat with zero humidity. i know i shouldn't wish summer by just yet, but i have always been hopelessly in love with autumn. so as much as i don't want summer to leave (because it means winter is coming), i just can't help it because i love the fall so much. (i even bought a mulled cider candle yesterday).

life has gotten into more of a steady swing of things. work, building relationships, exploring, living.

i feel for the most part very much at peace, and yet at times i feel like i'm living in a dream. this is not the same life i was living only 3 months ago now, was it? where did that place go? who was that girl? hmm, how existential of me.

i feel different and yet still the same kind of insecure...

i want to be so confident in God, and His way, that my own concerns, insecurities, failures won't matter any more. i will only want to love selflessly and give abundantly to those i meet.

wouldn't that be so beautiful? i'd like to live that kind of beautiful.

my heart exults.

2010-08-08T08:04:00.000-07:00

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; to him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him." _Psalm 28:7

RA's have arrived. Debo's staff are really wonderful. There are ten of them two ARDs and eight RAs, 4 guys, 6 girls. Things are in full swing with staff training, so Debo has been super busy and this weekend I haven't seen him much.

In the past this would have bothered me more. For instance when we first moved out to Indiana and RD/RA training started, I hated it. It was all new and unfamiliar, I felt left out (since I was no longer a student or RA anymore), and I felt lonely being in a brand new place with no family or friends around and my husband gone doing stuff. It took me a lot of time to adjust and a lot of time to assert my independence. I also however did not trust God enough. I tried to handle things on my own.

Here in Colorado, being two years older and having gone through everything I have in the past two months, I feel actually quite calm being alone. I suppose I can only assert this to the fact that I will not let myself take my eyes off my Creator. I have held on more tightly, believed more firmly, and trusted more deeply then I have ever before in my life. God is good, so good. The blessings He bestows are endless, and if we ask Him for those blessings (the ones He wants to give, not the ones we want Him to give), and we trust and have faith in Him, believe me friends He will not let us down.

I feel so confident because I trust Him. Yes, I still miss my family and friends that is only natural. However, I don't feel afraid to be alone, or to be left out. I don't worry about making new friends, or getting to know our students. I know that I will be okay on my own because I have my God. I know I will not concern over being left out because I have my God. I know that we will make new friends and pour into our students because I have my God. It is completely freeing to not stress over those little things that often make a new place hard to adjust too.

I just wanted to express this all on here because I want to publicly praise God for answering our prayers. I want to praise God for His challenges in my life and how He has brought me from out of the pit. I want to praise God by letting all know how He will never leave us alone and that He makes this life worth living.

Two months ago, Debo and I lost our home, job, and community. From the ashes he brought us a new home, new jobs, and a new community, but He also brought us something more. He brought us the realization that without Him all those things don't really matter and that with Him all things are possible.

He is good. My heart truly exults.

"a moment, a love, a dream, a laugh, a kiss, a cry, our rights our wrongs."

2010-07-30T19:39:00.000-07:00

wow.

we have now been living in colorado for 3 weeks.

as time has passed i have found myself loving this state even more. from the weather to the sites, to all the choices. debo and i have so much fun exploring both the mountain parks/trails and the city. we're are not used to having so many choices. tomorrow we are thinking of either the zoo or the aquarium.

i have officially found a job. it is a huge blessing! i am a nanny again with a family near by who are really wonderful. the hours are amazing, and they are extremely generous which is another blessing in itself.

i have decided that i may go back to school within the next year or so to get certified in Early Childhood Development because i have found that i really love working with little kids. it's funny because that was not the case while i was in college...however, life works like that quite a bit. we make big plans and then they all get shot to hell because well, God has something much different in store.

...and from my life experiences so far i know all too well that God always knows best.

so i'm taking a deep breath and diving in.

transition, a mission.

2010-07-18T11:49:00.000-07:00

i took a test a while back from the book Strengths Finder 2.0. It has you take a 3o minute test online, giving you 30 seconds to answer where you fall on different scales. each side of the scale has very little to do with one another, but you have to choose which side most describes you. then the test proceeds to name your top five strengths. interestingly enough it does not tell you your weaknesses, mostly because it does not want people to use them as an excuse for why they cannot do something well.

when you find out your strengths it gives you a detailed analysis of what each one is and how they can be used. Debo had to take this test when he got his job at IWU, and after he took it he really wanted me to take it because it really gives you a lot of insight into yourself (kind of like personality tests and others can).

upon taking the test i wasn't surprised by what my strengths were, except for one. the one that happened to be my number 2 strength: ADAPTABILITY. i practically fell over when i read it. i laughed, "really? i mean really? this can't be true." it is my husband that is the adaptable one, he can adjust to any place, any person, any where. it's amazing (and one of his strengths).

me however, i feel the exact opposite. i'm the homebody, the non-adventurer. i like the idea of seeing the world, but i want to take someone i know along and i only want to visit. i could very easily live in pittsburgh my whole life, a block from my family, and be perfectly content. when i do leave home, my comfort zone, i freak out, i cry, i think about my family constantly, i become increasingly nostalgic (which makes matters worse), i get nervous, afraid, and i just long for some normalcy/familiarity. how do i know this? i know this from going off to college (1 hr away), from getting married and moving to indiana (6 hrs away), and now moving out to colorado (20+hrs away).

i sure don't feel very ADAPTABLE. i feel like i am a homesick, little girl. i guess eventually i adjust, but for it to be my actual strength? i just don't know.

Debo told me that even if something is supposed to be our strength from the test it may or may not be developed within us yet. like a resource still not tapped.

i feel so homesick. i miss pittsburgh. i miss family. i also miss indiana and our friends and students there. i guess i had adapted to life there, it had become another "home." i suppose with time colorado will too...but now, now it does not feel like home. it feels cold and distant and i just want to be at one of my home's.

perhaps all these changes will bring out my adaptability strength...but truthfully i wish it was already developed, because i hate transitioning. it's exhausting and scary and for me one of my greatest challenges.

*sigh* if you could. please pray for me in my transition.

"debo, we're not in kansas anymore."

2010-07-11T09:04:00.000-07:00

we arrived in denver on friday. the weather in colorado is much dryer than the humidity filled regions i've lived in before, so it made for good move in weather. no stickiness, cool breeze, and in the shade it felt perfect.

we also had the entire admission staff of CCU, minus 1, help us move in. this was also wonderful because they were a bunch of strong guys! with them and a help of a few others all our boxes and furniture were dropped off into our apt in record time.

it's now sunday, and well our apt is really coming together. it looks like a home. however, just as it took time to feel like home at IWU, i know it will also take some time for it to feel like home here.

the place is actually a lot bigger than our former apt, it's also nicer. huge closets, nice size living room, more counter space in the kitchen, 2 medium sized bedrooms, a balcony that gives us a view of the rocky mountains. it's gorgeous really, and it is already painted with creams, avocado greens, deep brown, and midnight blues, which i'm totally digging. i'll post pictures soon, i promise.

we now live in lakewood, colorado, which is a suburb of denver and it is HUGE. it has everything. you name it, this place has it. restaurants, stores, a wholefoods market, upscale fashion mall, anything and everything. and if that isn't enough for you, well, denver is only 20 minutes away, you can actually see downtown on some of the roads. denver is huge in itself, and from sports, to zoo/aquarium, museums, amusement park, and the worlds largest water park right in the city...there's no end to what you can do.

also, if urban life isn't your thing, the mountains are 20 minutes in the other direction. we visited the Red Rocks Park the first day we arrived. it is gorgeous. these gigantic red rocks towering from the dirt of the mountains. it was a foreign sight to an Appalachian girl like me. Red Rocks is the place that has the outdoor amphitheater built right into the rocks (people like Dave Matthews have live concerts recorded there). there are trails for hiking, biking, and in the winter nearby skiing/snowboarding resorts. having lived in small town marion, IN for the past two years i forgot what is was like to live in a BIG place. i've also never lived in the suburbs before (i don't know if i'd want too forever, but that may just be my inner city pride talking) but in a lot of ways they are like cities in themselves.

however, despite all these things and despite fixing up our place, organizing, buying new things, and exploring the area, everything really is but a temporary distraction. these things don't bring peace or fill my heart with true joy. this is the hard part of starting over somewhere new for me. the thought of making new friends, finding a new church, meeting new students, finding a new job, and being far away from my other friends and family is hard to swallow. it's a lot of work and a lot of transition. it honestly is scary as hell. therefore, it's so easy to distract myself with the things of the world to compensate somehow for what i feel like i no longer have here anymore, security & familiarity.

i wish sometimes that my parents were out here or even some of my closest girlfriends. they would act as a comfort zone to me. a safe place. someone on top of my husband to do things with while i learn, transition, make new friends and get acclimated to this new place...

i know though deep down though that the only REAL comfort zone i have is in Christ. He is my stability, my foundation, and He always takes care of me, but in times like these i just get so scared. i quickly forget His past provisions in my life. perhaps it is just in my sinful nature to return back to thinking i will fail and be alone. i will fail and live in fear, self-loathing, and pain. my sinful nature leads me to DOUBT & DESPAIR, a very lethal combination because it lacks HOPE.

in times like these i have two options. i can dwell in fear or i can rise to the challenge and go right to the source of what i need. so this morning i found myself with tear stained cheeks on my couch praying with hands raised to my Savior. praying for peace and for a heart focused on what really matters. i know what it feels like to lose my home now. i also know how easy it can be to make gods out of our things, jobs, and loved ones. i know that God is the only thing that won't ever be shaken in my life.

so yes, jonathan and i are blessed. when we lost our home and job, He surrounded us with loved ones to support us, and then through it all provided jonathan with this job (doing something he loves) out in colorado. however, the real blessing in it all is not the job, or the people, or the home we have now. it's GOD, it's His love for us, it's the care He gives us, the hope He gives us, the truth He feeds our very souls.

i know with time, this place will feel like home. i'll find a job, make new friends, join a church, get to know and mentor our students, and even have opportunities to visit family/friends (or have them visit us). But the reality is Jesus has got to be my security, my comfort zone, and the home for my heart. so even in this time of fear, uncertainty, and transition i know that i actually have everything i need. it's not money, a home, friends, or even family, it's my Lord God, my Father, my Savior. i am very blessed, indeed.

moving out to denver.

2010-07-02T07:32:00.000-07:00

you know, i've always been a homebody. i love my family and extended family terribly. we have a gazillion traditions and we typically enjoy each others company. my mom is one of my best friends, and my aunt beth is like a second mom. my cousins clare, jena, sarah and i have been close since we were kids (all three of who which were part of my bridal party).

i also love pittsburgh. i love the city to pieces. i loved growing up in the inner city here, and living in lawrenceville. i practically bleed black and gold. i know it like the back of my hand. i love the culture, the "-ism's", the area, even as ghetto/trashy as it can be sometimes, it's a comfort to me, it's home. in all honesty i hope to live back in pittsburgh permanently one day.

so if you would have told me that i would have lived any place other than pittsburgh when i was in high school, i don't know if i would have believed it. when i got married in june of 08 i knew we were heading to indiana because debo got a job there. however, i looked to it as an adventure, not realizing how hard it would be for me to move 6 hours away, and to no longer live in a city. i grew a lot. i learned to appreciate indiana (even as much as i disliked the midwest). i found i had made a new home, and even though it was not like my pittsburgh one, i still liked it.

that was two years ago, and now debo and i are heading out to denver, colorado. this was not part of "the plan." it actually became a last minute change when debo lost his job at IWU. however, now we are going to be at Colorado Christian University, debo a resident director again, and me hopefully finding a job in denver (a city that is only 15 minutes away). what a blessing that within the month that debo lost one job, God provided a new one doing something he loves to do and something i love being a part of. also, God is bringing us to a place that just seems to be a much better fit, from the culture at CCU to even the smaller student population we are very excited to grown and learn there. [side note: another tough part to all of this is how much we will truly miss our students at IWU, the resident directors, and our other friends in marion, indiana. we love these people so much and we are going to miss them like crazy. they made indiana home and i don't want to forget that.]

it is kinda surreal. i never thought i'd live out west, ever. now i am gearing up for a new adventure and this time i can't even drive 6 hrs to get home to pittsburgh, i have to take a plane. however, i think God has been preparing this heart of mine during the past two years. it's scary, it's exciting, and it's a comfort to know that God is holding my hand just as he has been during this whole process.

God is so good. I can't tell you how blessed we are and just how much He pulled me through this process and taught me.

"The LORD is gracious and full of compassion, slow to anger, and great in mercy. The LORD is good to all, and His tender mercies are over all His works." _Psalm 145:8-9

*sigh* denver here we come.

24.

2010-06-25T06:56:00.000-07:00

i turn 24 tomorrow. it's no youth mile-stone like 16, 18, 21, or even 25. but i'm another year older. it's funny how fast life passes. i know it won't be long before i'm 30, then 40, then 60. yet this life is but a vapor in the grand scheme of things.

i have no idea what to expect. we have still had no news and the silence is deafening. i've cried, i've laughed, i've hoped, dreamed, wondered, and doubted. i've accepted fate and cringed at it, smiled gracefully at it and stomped my feet at it like a child in tantrum. it's been a roller coaster ride and i'd be lying if i said i haven't felt up and down about things.

however, God has challenged me to find hope in Him. after all, we are called to find joy even in our trials and tribulations, knowing that perservance produces character and character hope.

("Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." _Romans 5:1-5)

too often i hope for the things i want and not necessarily the things i need. luckily God knows the difference. there is a reason why things happened the way they did. i must take hope in that God knows best. he will not leave jonathan and i idle, He will guide us and take care of us. maybe in not the way we want, but always in the way we need.

my hope is that in this 24th year as i live that i will work to bring glory to my Father in ways i have failed to before. my hope is that He will bless me in that. i take hope in Him for He is the only things i can hope for.

"24 oceans. 24 skies. 24 failures. 24 tries.
24 finds me in 24th place. 24 drop outs at the end of the day.
life is not what i thought it was 24 hours ago.
still i'm singing spirit take me up in arms with you.
and i'm not who i thought i was 24 hours ago.
still i'm singing spirit take me up in arms with you.

24 reasons to admit that i'm wrong
with all my excuses still 24 strong.

see i'm not copping out. not copping out. not copping out.
when you're raising the dead in me."

you are my everything and i will adore you.

2010-06-08T19:27:00.000-07:00

it's..
time to unclutter my life.
time to turn off all the noise.
time to remember why i'm here.

it's...
time to believe in true joy.
time to see with unjaded eyes.
time to stop distracting myself.

it's...
time to let go.
time to stop controlling.
time to trust.

it's...
time to love with open arms.
time to give with all my might.
time to let Him shoulder my fears.

it's...
time to be still.
time to know.

"Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations. I will be exalted in all the earth. The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress." ~ Psalm 46:10-11

we need prayer.

2010-06-03T11:32:00.000-07:00

"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.

I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." ~ Philippians 3:7-14

our life is changing big time. it's overwhelming and scary, and yes i'm terrified.
(no i am not pregnant).

i don't want to go into detail on here, but please pray for debo and i. even if this if it is just once, and just a minute prayer. please pray for God's direction, provision, peace, and strength for us. pray that our hearts may trust in Him, and His plan for us.

please pray that i can stand firm and not be shaken. we need this so deeply right now.

peace & love,

Laur

hope for the weary.

2010-04-19T09:04:00.000-07:00

i'm a very selfish person.

and i have grown quite weary recently:

a. weary of the pain and suffering of those around me: the lost and confused, the drama filled seekers, the close-minded hypocrites, the heartbroken and lonely.

b. weary of myself and my inability to change, my constant succumbing to my own sick cycle carousel ride.

the first i have no control over. the second i do have control over but i'm lazy and don't want to work for it.

i read this today: "It’s essential for us to sit at Jesus’ feet and learn from Him. The more we receive from Him, the more we have to give to others."

“Who among you fears the Lord?

Who obeys the voice of His Servant?

Who walks in darkness

And has no light?

Let him trust in the name of the Lord

And rely upon his God." ~ Isaiah 50:10

i may not have all the answers for my friends or the strength for myself, but there is one who does and i need reminded of it often.

"Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away." SS 2:10

2010-03-22T10:39:00.000-07:00

"He bids me 'Rise up,' and well He may, for I have long enough been lying among the pots of worldliness. He is risen, I am risen in Him, why then should I cleave unto the dust? From lower loves, desires, pursuits, and aspirations, I would rise towards Him...But Lord, how can a stone rise, how can a lump of clay come away from the horrible pit? O raise me, draw me. Thy grace can do it. Send forth Thy Holy Spirit to kindle sacred flames of love in my heart, and I will continue to rise until I leave life and time behind me, and indeed come away." ~ Charles Spurgeon

I will come away.

long time coming.

2010-03-16T08:26:00.000-07:00

i know i haven't posted in a while. i haven't been in much mood to write.

i'm so ready for SPRING. the sun is out today, and the high is supposed to be about 60. i'm ready for long walks and nightly rollerblading. ice cream runs and reading books outside.

can i just say that i also just can't wait for june?! i'm going to be spending 3 weeks in pittsburgh. spending time with family and friends. plus it will be summer.

i contracted a stomach flu this past thursday, and spent the entire weekend indoors on the couch. better yet, debo was gone on a staff retreat. so luckily if my two friends hadn't stopped by to check on me when they did on friday and saturday i would have had no human contact for 3 days.

because it was that kind of weekend yesterday and today i just feel stir crazy. i'm ready for change.

you pray, you learn. you ask, you learn.

2010-02-18T07:57:00.000-08:00

i'm currently in a bible study that centers around freedom in Christ. yesterday we discussed the fundamental importance of prayer and the destruction of prayerlessness. there are things in my life that i feel like i have struggled with for years. things that i feel like i have tried to overcome by asking God but that i still continue to struggle with anyway. these are some notes i took during the video i watched and it hit me really hard, but also was such an encouragement and a peace that i can truly be FREE:

- our captor tries to coax us into making peace with our bondage. (ex: apathy, giving up, refusing to acknowledge truth, taking the easy way out).

- our captor likes to remind us of all who have fallen and poses the question, "and you think you will be delivered?" (we give up before we even start, thinking nothing will change).

- over and over scripture portrays prayer as the first act of war when under attack. (i sadly think most of the time its the last thing i do, i usually look for a shoulder to cry on or a friend to talk to before i ask God).

- God has reserved momentous victories and great rewards for us, but we'll never make it to our milestones if we can't make it through our moments.

Making it Through the Moment: The Role of Prayer

1. Prayer changes passions.

two reasons we don't choose to take the exit (when tempted/struggling):

a.) we don't want to. Psalm 40:8 - "I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is written on my heart." (Lord heal my "want to" let my heart want to change.)

b.) we don't feel like we deserve to. Romans 8:1 - "Therefore, there is no condemnation for those are in Christ Jesus."

2. Prayer activates partnership. Jude 24-25 - "To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy--to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen."

if we pray for our hearts to truly change, to truly desire change in Christ, our struggles can be truly swept under our feet by the power of our loving deliverer, Jesus. Amen.

i'm a ghost and i don't think i quite know, where we're gonna go?

2010-02-11T10:13:00.000-08:00

little updates.

--- i have some great girl friends here at IWU. it has been such a blessing this year with the new RD staff. our weekly coffee dates, our movie nights, game nights, nights out, driving through snow storm to get chinese food nights, it's been lovely.

--- i recently joined a bible study (it's about time, i know). we're doing a the beth moore series called "breaking free." i have never done a beth moore bible study before, or read anything by her. i'm sure like all popular christian writers/speakers/etc people have mixed opinions of her. however, i'm truly enjoying the study. it's refreshing for me being since i haven't been in one for over two years, and the topics are meeting me in a lot of ways of where i am at. the videos we watch in correlation with the daily reading material are also insightful, funny, and just good. i feel myself letting go of my need for control and slowly but surely letting my trust in God persevere.

--- debo got accepted into Geneva's graduate program for Higher Education. he's doing the institutes program which means he has class two weeks in the summer (8 hour days), and 1 week in the winter, and the in between time he has reading and online work. it takes 3 years to finish this way, but it is very conducive for his life here. especially since he has summers off and a winter break (both times where he would have class). he also can then do his work on his own time. i'm really excited for him!

--- i am such a sucker for valentines day. i use it as an excuse to buy red, pink, and white things and make cute little gift bags for friends and my kiddos, and bake pink things for my boys. i made a bunch of homemade chocolate pretzels for my girl friends. i did both milk and white chocolate and then sprinkled them with red & pink sprinkles. then i packaged them in cute lil baggies. ha! i'm such a nerve. for our hodson staff of boys i made strawberry cupcakes with a whipped cream cheese frosting. i even added red food coloring to the frosting so it would turn pink, and then i sprinkled all the cakes with heart shaped sprinkles! even boys need some pink in their lives.

--- for valentines weekend we are going to be livin it up. it's been a while since we've done any date days alone with each other, since we usually go out with friends or residents most of the time. so debo and i our going to get a couples massage friday night (which i can't wait, cause my lower back has been killing me lately), we are also going to go see a movie and grab lunch on saturday. pretty simple but perfect for us. sunday afternoons debo plays ice hockey, so i am probably going to see the movie "Valentines Day" with my girls here. it should be a nice weekend.

--- our friend allison davis spent the week with us (she got here sunday and left this morning). she works with as an admissions counselor/recruiter for a Lithuania study abroad program with a Christian school there. she spends most of her time in Lithuania but she has tours several times a year at various Christian colleges getting students interested in the program. i love when she comes to stay with us, because although she has long days and she won't get back home till 9 pm we have great conversations over tea. she's such an amazing girl, and an encouragement, i love her. it's so cool to see how God has been working in each of our lives.

--- half marathon training is going great. i have been really disciplined about getting my workouts/runs in everyday. i also feel myself getting stronger, especially my lungs. it's such a great feeling, and i love having a goal to work towards.

--- fresh daises, a pear candle, and cup of green tea our making the apt very cozy on this sunny winter day, and the most beautiful comfort:

"Remember these things, O Jacob for you our my servant, O Israel. I have made you, you are my servant; O Israel, I will not forget you. I have swept away your offenses like cloud; your sins like the morning miss. Return to me, for I have redeemed you." ~ Isaiah 44:21-22

"Beloved, whatever we grip to bring us satisfaction is a lie -- unless it is Christ." ~ Beth Moore

wishing you all a lovely weekend. hope you can make it out of the snow where you are!

peace & love,

look again and consecrate.

2010-02-01T08:38:00.000-08:00

matthew 6:30

If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

"A simple statement of Jesus is always a puzzle to us if we are not simple. How are we going to be simple with the simplicity of Jesus? By receiving His Spirit, recognizing and relying on Him, obeying Him as He brings the Word of God, and life will become amazingly simple. "Consider," says Jesus, "how much more your Father Who clothes the grass of the field will clothe you, if you keep your relationship right with Him." Every time we have gone back in spiritual communion it has been because we have impertinently known better than Jesus Christ. We have allowed the cares of the world to come in, and have forgotten the "much more" of our Heavenly Father. "Behold the fowls of the air" --their main aim is to obey the principles of life that is in them and God looks after them. Jesus says that if you are rightly related to Him and obey His Spirit that is in you, God will look after your "feathers."

"Consider the lilies of the field"--they grow where they are put. Many of us refuse to grow where we are put, consequently we take root nowhere. Jesus says that if we obey the life God has given us, He will look after all the other things. Has Jesus Christ told us a lie? If we are not experiencing "much more," it is because we are not obeying the life God has given us, we are taken up with confusing considerations. How much time have we taken up worrying God with questions when we should have been absolutely free to concentrate on His work? Consecration means the continual separating of myself to one particular thing. We cannot consecrate once and for all. Am I continually separating myself to consider God every day of my life?"

~ Oswald Chambers, "My Utmost for His Highest"

learning to serve and to trust with each day. learning to be content and thankful. Holy Spirit help me to renew my heart daily & make it forever aligned with Jesus.

1 thessalonians 5:18

Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.

peace & love,

i heart you.

2010-01-30T10:40:00.000-08:00

1. cozy coffee mug. 2. heart decorations. 3. simplicity earrings. 4. heart crayons. 5. petite heart hoop earrings. 6. blooming red heart pillow. 7. pink love ring. 8. my little valentine. 9. bouton de rose hairpins. 10. red ruby glass ring. 11. my heart's in PA (card set of 3). 12. lotus flower print necklace.

with valentine's day right around the corner i guess i've got hearts & spring colors on the brain.

peace & love,

rose-colored times.

2010-01-26T11:23:00.000-08:00

yesterday started day 1 of my half marathon training!

last year debo and i ran the Hodson Half Marathon with are ARD and one of our RA's. i hadn't ever run any kind of extensive race and it had always been a goal to do one, and i did! it was an amazing experience. it was crazy, and at times hard, but very worth it.

debo and i decided to tackle it again this year, however with better prep (my prep last year was typically 5 miles a day for 6 days a week, stupid i know, but i didn't even think we were doing it until like a few weeks before the race.) the only thing is because i hurt my knee a few weeks ago, and because i did no running (just walking) over the 2 1/2 weeks of the christmas season, my endurance is way low.

my knee felt great, but running even two miles was exhausting. so hopefully this prep will whip me back into shape. the race isn't until april 17th, so i have a little over 2 months to get into a serious routine. i have all my workouts logged out on my computer so that i know my runs each day/and or cross-training/and or rest days. i feel prepared! also, as i pushed my butt out of bed at 7 am this morning to complete day 2 of my training i'm thinking even leaving my warm bed on a cold morning won't hold me back from my goal!

also, i want to thank for all of the encouraging comments on my last post. i'm glad i'm not the only one trying to figure out the future and unsure of it all. it is a blessing to have support from you girls, and it is even more a blessing to know God has got us all in his arms and won't leave us alone. love you girls.

peace & love,

thoughts, frustrations, fears, and love.

2010-01-17T12:21:00.000-08:00

so funny thing. i went out to coffee last monday with a group of my girl friends here at IWU. we went to our favorite coffee shop and began discusses res life politics and grad school. although, i loved catching up with the girls; i must say i returned home to be quite scared, frustrated, and perturbed with the idea of grad school. this isn't a new thing. it seems everytime i think about grad school i'm unsure/frustrated/and worried. why you ask? here's my list:

1. grad school is expensive. we're talking at least 15-20 thousand dollars. (at least for the programs i've been looking at).
2. i am already in debt because of my undergrad. so is my husband. add that debt together and well the thought of putting more debt on top of that is crazy.
3. the masters degree i would most likely pursue is not really going to bring in a lot of money. and although making a lot of money isn't really important to me, it's still tough to spend more money on a degree that probably won't "pay for itself" as some peoples grad degrees do.
4. i'm not sure what masters program i want to do. i have ideas or think i do, but then i wonder, "do i want to do this for the rest of my life?" then i think, if i'm not even sure what i want to do, how can i justify spending money on it?
5. i wonder sometimes if i feel more pressured to get a masters because i have a useless undergrad degree. and i feel that i need to get it just to have it, like some kind of security blanket perhaps. and then i think it would also just be to prove myself in this world.

i found myself breaking down in front of Debo and our RA and friend Fussy about all these thoughts, frustrations and fears, and well lets just say they both were truly uplifting and encouraging. they reminded me of God's sovereignty and hand over our lives. i really struggle with trust and control, and well you have to realize that God has got you. if we trust and hand over the reigns that we grip so tightly sometimes He leads you where you never thought you could go. i sometimes worry too much about this world. this place. this very temporary and fast moving place. i am not defined by my career. plus an amazing and/or big money-making job can come as quickly as it can be taken away. we can try to hold tight onto these things but they can all be taken away.

see the truth is i am so scared. i'm afraid i'm not good enough, smart enough, or brave enough. i get caught up in the American way of life. in that i need a regular 9-5, 6 figure job to be somebody. i feel judged and worthless because my job is the very opposite of that. i wear sweat pants and chase, feed, change, craw with, play and handle 7 different children (not all at the same time mind you) 5 days a week, all day. there is nothing professional about my job, and no i don't make a lot of money. however, i LOVE my kids. i LOVE my job. however, when i compare it to my friends in grad school starting down paths of wise career choices for themselves, or my friends who are now young professionals, i feel inadequate. when my grandma asks me, "when am i going to get a "real" job?" i feel inadequate.

this isn't the first time i've posted about these things on my blog. this isn't the first time i have felt these things so strongly. it's just so hard, you know? i feel our society wearing me down, feeding me lies, making me feel small and helpless and inadequate. i feel like i failed because i am not ambitious, and i don't know what grad school to go to or what program to start. i feel like because i didn't obtain a business degree, or a nursing degree, or some other practical sort of degree, i failed. i feel so much pressure and fear for my life's path that it keeps me up at night.

then i step back and look around me. i have seen how friends have watched love ones deteriorate slowly in health before them, and others who have lost people in a blink of an eye. i see how natural disasters strip already impoverished countries of the lives of its people and then remember how even the wealthy countries are not exempt from earths disasters. i read headlines of the rich and famous, who have ideal jobs, and all that money can buy, die--overdosed and alone. death reminds me of how temporary this life is, how much we have no control over so much of our lives, how meaningless so many things that we (our culture) put some kind of value in are. i sometimes ask God, why? then i remember how Jesus came before us as a man, lived a short 33 years on earth, and died a excruciating death in order to save us all. was any of that fair?

i know this post is long, and the tangents seem endless, but it's therapeutic in a way for me to be able to be honest with myself, and frustrated with this world, and most importantly angry with myself because i let all its bull get to me. i put value in things that aren't truly valuable and what i get out of those things is fear.

then i remember. i get a glimpse of hope:
- an encouraging and loving conversation with my husband and one of my other closest guy friends.
- a note the next day from debo saying: "I know you get down and out about your job but God has gifted you in a very special way. The Devil loves to discourage people from their gifts, talents, and joys. Don't let him do it to you. Everyone loves you and appreciates what you do, especially me. love, Debo"
- i get so scared about my life and the path i should take and then i read scripture and hear the love of God pouring out and reminding me the truth: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." ~ Philippians 4:6-7

through all of it it's God saying to me: "it's OKAY." "i love you and i've got you." and it's beautiful, true, encouraging, faithful, hopeful, gracious, merciful, peaceful, unfailing, wondrous...LOVE.

in the end it's the only thing that matters isn't it?

so do i know about grad school? no. do i know what happens after i finish this time in my life nannying? no. do i have worry about these things? America would say "yes", but God fittingly and serenely says, "NO."

you don't need to worry either. i just wanted you to know.

news of no great importance.

2010-01-10T18:31:00.000-08:00

- i need to start studying for the GRE. blah blah blah. i hate standardized testing. HATE it. why do you need to take a test to get into grad school? why can't a college degree be enough? how is this one stupid 4-5 hour test going to prove that i will be an adequate grad student? huh? huh? i just don't get it. yes that is my rant.

- debo and i are now proud macbook owners. it was the last thing we bought before leaving pittsburgh last tuesday. i know it's about time.

- can i just say i love my husband so much? jonathan joseph dibenedetto you are wonderful and i can't wait to pop out half a dozen of your children. ;-D

- i hurt my knee on thursday. embarrassingly it was while i was dancing with my 14 month year old, kiki, at my apt. somehow i planted my leg in some weird fashion and my knee popped out of its socket and then popped back in. it hurt. like hell. poor kiki was probably wondering why her babysitter was lying on the ground grasping her knee and moaning in agony. i am determined to recover however. especially as i plan to run again in the annual hodson half marathon this april. it looks however that my training will have to start out a little slower then planned as i work my knee back into shape via walking.

- our boys are moving back in for a new semester. i forgot how much i miss them when they are not around.

- trusting God is not always easy, but i have this knowledge in my heart that everything is going to be alright, and i know it's Him.

- i think i want to take a bath. usually at 10pm i am getting ready for bed (as nannying all day is quite exhausting and i need my rest). however, i am off tomorrow, a weekday rarity (except as of late, considering i just spent two weeks in PA visiting family over the holidays), but either way i am going to enjoy this just the same.

- i've been way too many hours on this computer today.

so signing off! <3

pretty little thing.

2010-01-08T19:08:00.000-08:00

i'm not a big jewelry person. i like the idea of jewelry, but i don't really wear a lot of it. i blame it on my less is more mentality, and my allure to simple pretty little things. so when it comes to wearing jewelry i have my wedding bands on my fingers, and then usually a pair of earrings on, and sometimes on occasion a necklace. last valentine's day debo bought me this beautiful handmade necklace from the noisy plume. i love it. it's simple, elegant and very pretty.

as of late i find myself eyeing some pretty necklaces that i wouldn't mind debo "surprising" me with one for valentines day again: loves embrace & paloma's crown of hearts.

here's to the new year.

2010-01-02T06:35:00.000-08:00

so here we are, 2010.

the past few weeks have flown by. here's a recap.

- flew in thursday the 18th by myself for a weekend in pittsburgh and the cene family christmas party (debo was wonderful enough to let me buy a plane ticket, since he had to work).

- my connecting flight out of baltimore let me reunite with my bestfriend (regina aka reggie bean) who i haven't seen in over a year (although we do talk weekly). we got to fly to pittsburgh together and she and my other good friend katie klos spent the night over my house. we watched old movies, laughed a lot, and cuddled. it was wonderful.

- had my family christmas the following friday and had a sleepover with my cousins on saturday. hung out with my mom on sunday, debo came monday, and we left for philly on tuesday.

- spent a week in philly/jersey with debo's family. had a very nice christmas breakfast at his aunt wendy's house and dinner at his aunt shirley's. went to the poconos with debo's dad, and came back to pittsburgh the following tuesday.

- since in pittsburgh, we have spent some wonderful time with family. new years eve debo and i went out to mccormick and schmicks with clare, jena, and chaz. had a fabulous seafood dinner then over to chaz and jena's and just hung out until 3:30 am.

- my mom is currently making us a turkey dinner tonight, clare and tall john are coming over, and we are going to watch the pens game.

we leave tuesday for indiana. i'm looking forward to getting back to our own place as much as i enjoy spending time with family. it's just nice to be in your own place and get back into normal life again. plus i miss our hodson boys, and my kiddos.

so am i ready for 2010? as ready as i'll ever be. i must say there is something charming about the start of a new year. and it's even better when you usher it in with the people you love.

happy new years!

"be still and know that I am God."

2009-12-14T17:33:00.000-08:00

with the hustle and bustle of christmas it's so easy to be distracted. stressed. worried. exhausted. frustrated.

it's ironic since the holiday itself celebrates news of great joy, peace, love, and hope.

just another case of our fallen world taking a beautiful thing and warping it. i know i fall into the stress of "America's Christmas" which is why i need reminded of the joyous, and true meaning of this time. our Savior and Lord, Jesus.

with the craziness of this time of year it is good to sit back and remember what this time is truly about. it is good to remember why we are here. i know i need this reminder so much.

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.

Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, thought its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling.

There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy habitation of the Most High.

God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved; God will help her when morning dawns.

The nations rage, the kingdoms totter; he utters his voice, the earth melts.

The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress.

Come, behold the works of the Lord, how he has brought desolations on the earth.

He makes wars cease to the end of the earth; he breaks the bow and shatters the spear; he burns the chariots with fire.

"Be still nad know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!"

The Lord of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress." ~ Psalm 46

Lord let this season be foremost and always about You, and You only. Help us not to be overcome and consumed with this world, but rather focused and ever more in love with You. Let us remember that You are enough, and You always will be. And Lord help us to sit and be still, and remember with awe the tidings of great joy You bestowed on Your children. Thank You! Amen.

handmade christmas.

2009-12-11T16:45:00.000-08:00

i can't believe christmas is two weeks away. i have not even gone out christmas shopping yet, and i fly out to pittsburgh this upcoming thursday! i also have not done any christmas baking either.

the plan is making christmas cut-out cookies with a vanilla glaze (a favorite recipe my family has done for years from "cooks illustrated") and some buckeyes. i'm going to make a ton, get little christmas baggies, tie them with a bow and give them out to our staff of boys and the other RD's. baking is about as far i go for homemade things. i was reading my friend suzannah's blog and she was showing the adorable things she was getting her daughter from various vendors at etsy.com. i am such a sucker for handmade things, and so far the only christmas shopping i have done has been the online variety at etsy.com.

here are the things i have purchased and i'm quite excited:

some pretty stud earrings for my cousins. (sofiamasri.)

these lovely little pouches to put the earrings in along w/ gift card/lip balm. (GimCarry.)

this adorable set of heart dishes for me madre. (redhotpottery.)

ok and i couldn't resist it. i gave in and bought myself this dress. *sigh* i know. her stuff is absolutely gorgeous. i wish i could afford to get her whole line. (heirloom08.)

i love buying handmade though, because you can get some beautiful and unique things for people that you aren't going to find in department stores. it's a lot of fun searching through etsy and seeing what you will find.

now if i could just finish my christmas shopping and start baking.

shale, screen your worry from what you won't ever find.

2009-11-29T10:29:00.000-08:00

thanksgiving has come and gone and with it the long weekend. debo and i had a relaxing time with friends and each other. i think it was all much needed. God has been so good to us here in indiana, in more ways then we could have ever imagined.

the weekend before thanksgiving, hodson hall teamed up with it's sister dorm evan's hall in it's newly annual "Evening of Elegance." basically it's an excuse to get dressed up and eat in the banquet hall, with pretty decorations, and some live entertainment. here are some snap shots from that event...

debo and i.

the boys and i were striking our band pose.

hodson & evan's staff.

our beloved hodson staff.

and yes that is me randomly dressed up in a pinapple that looks like a kiwi costume. debo had this stupid thing for res-life advertising.

good times. good times.

so, with the end of thanksgiving starts the christmas season. i look forward to festive activities ahead with our family, friends, and of course our hodson boys. it's hard not to love this time of year. here are some pictures from past holidays.

me & some of my cousins.

our staff last year re-enacting the nativity.

i also, look forward to cuddling w/ this cutie. my chance.

*sigh* lots of love.

thankful.

2009-11-26T07:45:00.000-08:00

happy thanksgiving all!

as i write i am currently watching the macy's day parade on tv. gearing up for the following Best in Show - Dog Show, and then of course Miracle on 34th street. it has always been tradition in my fam to watch thru all these things while preparing the thanksgiving meal.

this year debo and i are not spending the holiday w/ any fam. debo has to be on duty for thanksgiving, so instead of traveling to PA we are here in indiana. it's a strange thing, and i def. miss the fam today. however, i don't miss traveling 6 hrs for a short break.

so, instead debo and i are hosting our own thanksgiving. we are having another RD couple over for dinner. and on the menu is of course turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, green bean casserole, homemade bread, and stuffing. we have to keep it small since it's only four of us. it's funny because when i read that list it seems like quite a bit, but thanksgiving w/ my fam in pittsburgh is like a meal for 20 or more people, and we have so many different kinds of dishes it's crazy. things like fennel, beef, sweet potatoes, coleslaw, etc. so much! ha.

also, funny random thought, but in my family i was never in charge of making the turkey. my aunt always did that, and since being married i have roasted 5 turkeys for various things. turkey is actually the easiest thing to make since once you season it, it cooks itself. this year i'm going to season w/ butter and herbs, as well as some chopped onions and apples. yummy!

God has been so good. i am so blessed with a loving husband. a home. a job. friends and family that are so wonderful. i am so thankful.

"Be still and know that I am God.
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth!" ~ Psalm 46:10

and thank you Jesus for delivering us from this world. amen.

i wish you all the best thanksgivings! <3

and renew a right spirit within me.

2009-11-12T11:05:00.000-08:00

"For what we need to know, of course is not just that God exists, not just that beyond the steely brightness of the stars there is a cosmic intelligence of some kind that keeps the whole show going, but that there is a God right here in the thick of our day-by-day lives who may not be writing messages about himself in the stars but in one way or another is trying to get messages through our blindness as we move around down here knee-deep in the fragrant muck and misery and marvel of the world. It is not objective proof of God's existence that we want but the experience of God's presence. That is the miracle we are really after, and that is also, I think the miracle that we really get." ~ Frederick Buechner

it's interesting how satan can feed someone lies for so long that one begins to believe there could be no hope. the Lord continues to amaze me. when my broken heart, full of doubt and hopelessness consumes my thoughts, He vanquishes all evil and renews my soul. i realize that my fear and my doubt come merely out of not trusting in His power. i am FREE.

<3

2009-11-06T13:37:00.000-08:00

*sigh* oh friday evening how i love thee. it's so nice to be done with a busy week. now i'm going to spend the evening with my hub-hub. dinner, a movie, and unwinding.

we need this so bad. we have hardly had two minutes alone together at all. the plus and minus of living w/ college students 24/7.

have a lovely weekend where you are!

happy halloween.

2009-10-31T09:02:00.000-07:00

where on earth did october go? i must say that i'm sad to see it leave.

it is indeed my favorite month. i adore fall, and october is the peak of the season. i also love pumpkins, mackintosh apples, mulled cider, bonfires, corn mazes, costumes, corny old horror movies, pumpkin cookies/bread/pie/seeds, and perfect hoodie weather. *sigh*

here is some recap in pictures of the past few weeks since last posted...

dana & moffat came to visit.

headed to pittsburgh to be a part of meg's BIG day!

i'm a nerd. i know.

becca and i waiting for the aisle call.

me with the beautiful bride!

i had my kiddos out in the leaves the other day. it was so precious. keagan was having so much fun, he would literally get running starts before plummeting into the leaf piles. no one even showed him this, he just started doing it all by himself. we probably played outside a good hour and a half. i wish i would have had my camera.

well i hope you all have a fabulous saturday (i just love saturdays), and a lovely halloween.

wow...the christmas commercials have already started, and halloween isn't even over yet.

a day in pictures.

2009-10-12T15:06:00.000-07:00

off to the pumpkin farm...

tall john and mocha.

nothing like making out in fake john deer tractor.

tall john and i picked the perfect pumpkins (for us)

going in for the stem.

taking off the tops.

debo, tall, and myself pulling out the guts.

hannah & i making pumpkin seeds.

still pulling out guts.

debo starting to stencil.

oh fussy.

the finished products. (mine is the warty pumpkin with the simple face)

the boys worked hard...and did really great for it being the FIRST pumpkin they have ever carved.

debo & i loving over the pumpkins.

i confess i was a bit smitten over marvin...my pumpkin.

and i've been wondering 'bout that change.

2009-10-07T19:10:00.000-07:00

*sigh* sometimes i find myself envious of other peoples lives. it's like they have it all together. it's like everything is set, lovely, and strangely in their control.

now deep down i know none of that is true. they don't. they have shit happen. they have struggles, frustrations, pressures, fears, concerns, loss, anger and sadness.

and they def. have no control, for lets face it: none of us do.

but man sometimes i just wish that maybe i could live their life for one day. see what it was like. ironically it would probably leave me rushing back into my own skin. maybe today i just feel unnerved in my own skin.

hm. i don't know. it's also interesting that the people i typically envy i don't even know. they are really but strangers or acquaintances at most. so in truth i don't even know them enough to know their humanness. which is probably why their lives seem so perfect, fascinating, and untouchable.

i love how i am self-analyzing myself on here. ha. just another glimpse into my inner psyche via my blog. yep, i am indeed human, and yes, i am indeed being a selfish little girl right now.

i've left bethlehem and i feel free.

2009-10-01T10:52:00.000-07:00

Fall is officially here! hello october. hello cool fall weather. hello leave changes, pumpkins, and mulled cider.

i dare say that i am greatly enjoying the ushering in of fall this october. it is my favorite season of the year and this is my favorite month. recently i have been dragging my poor husband on these walks with me through the local high school(s) cross country path that makes it way past the athletic fields, brush fields, and farm fields. the line of trees in the background make for a lovely view which i am hoping will only grow more beautiful with the changing colors.

in other news i have found a local pumpkin farm that debo and i are going to be going to next weekend. i'm so excited, it has hay-rides, you pick pumpkins in the fields, it has corn mazes, a country store, petting zoo, and more. our good friend tall john is coming to visit us next week as well, and we shall be dragging him with us on this adventure, with most likely a few of our hodson boys, and hopefully a nice group of the other RDs.

things have been so busy as of late. debo and i were talking about how we are lucky to get and hour together. between our boys being over, coffee dates with my girlfriends and students, and just other things that book our time (for instance, last night i was on a panel discussion about female relationships/camaraderie in our sister building) and work during the day, its enough to say "bring on the weekend!" tonight debo and one of our boys, fussy, is helping our friend andra move a couch, so i'm going to have andra and fussy over for dinner afterwards. then it will be off to the gym and over to steph's apt for The Office. good times. :-D

on a completely different note...its been so cute bundling my kiddos up and taking them outside to play. they crack me up. also, keagan who is not even two yet is obsessed with letters. he already knows what most of them are and he can say for practically all of them the sounds they make. he doesn't even talk yet besides some basic words, but he knows his alphabet! it's crazy! being with kids so much, and talking to moms def. makes me look forward to the day i become a mama. thats a few years down the road mind you! (i'm only 23) but i think it such a beautiful thing and i am really looking forward to it.

i hope its becoming Fall where you are! :-D

held to the past too aware of the pending.

2009-09-27T11:40:00.002-07:00

"When we are at wits' end for an answer, then the Holy Spirit can give us an answer. But how can He give us an answer when we are still well supplied with all sorts of answers of our own?" ~ Karl Barth

"But now that you have come to know God, or rather to be known by God, how can you turn back again to the weak and worthless elementary principles of the world, whose slaves you want to be once more?" ~ Galatians 4:9

free to be in Him.

so long sweet summer...

2009-09-12T09:56:00.000-07:00

wow. it's been a little while.

i must say this september has been positively lovely. the weather has just been perfect, not too hot, not to cold, and def. ushering in what i hope to be a beautiful autumn. i absolutely adore the Fall. growing up in my family, fall meant a lot of traditions: pumpkin farm trip, pumpkin carving, family bon fires, birthday parties (for like 4 different cousins), long walks, craft show hopping, applefest, scary movie watching, thanksgiving gathering, steeler supporting (not to mention the start of hockey season), just to name a few.

sadly living 6 hours from my family just kinda sucks sometimes. i won't be able to do all of those things with them. *sigh* however, I will be in pittsburgh in october for a wedding i am in, and i'm staying a day and half afterwards just to spend time with my mama (which means= long walks, craftshow going). so i have to look on the brightside. plus, debo and i are going to hit up a local pumpkin farm here in indiana, and we are going to have our own thanksgiving this year with some of the RD's here over that break, i also hope to check out some different festivals and things in the marion/indianapolis area. you have to make the best out of where you are, so debo and i shall.

wow, God is so good. i am enjoying my fall here in indiana so far (which is saying something compared to last year). i think i'm just growing and i'm really okay with that.

i cannot do it all on my own.

2009-09-02T14:07:00.000-07:00

just thought i'd post some photos of our 2nd year at IWU so far.

(our '09-10 staff of hodson boys <3)

(at the local water park)

(our sister staff, love these chicas)

(my husband being cheesy and romantic)

(debo had his staff dress up as soldiers for pictures, he just looked so cute i went in for a kiss)

far beyond the blaring street lights.

2009-09-01T11:20:00.000-07:00

life is never picture perfect but some moments are quite sweet...

this start of our second year at IWU has been truly been wonderful. our RA staff this year is AMAZING. it's been so much fun and so easy to be real with them. last friday i ended up at the movies with two of our guys to see Julie & Julia because Debo was a punk and didn't want to go with me. we've together all gone frisbee golfing, campus golfing, swimming, making food, hanging out, and just becoming a close knit family of Hodson Hall. it's been such a blessing.

it has also been great already having built relationships with other students here and just continuing on with them, and it also makes meeting new students even easier. it's great to see guys (and girls) just feeling comfortable walking into our apt now (when the door is open, mind you) and feeling comfortable about sitting down and hanging out with us.

the RD staff this year is also great. i have been getting to know a lot of the girls, and although friendship building is a process, i def. know there will be some deepened friendships at the end of this year. i have had some lovely conversations already, and some good hang out time. i grabbing coffee this evening with a few girls tonight.

most importantly, i feel a peace with God that i have not had for such a long time. i feel like i remember why i'm here, and why my life has so much more meaning than what culture deems appropriate.

and with all of these amazing moments, yes, the imperfection has shown its face...

some conversations with our boys have been really heart breaking. there have been some situations i just can't fix and somethings are just out of my control. sometimes i still get down about what i should be doing next. i get down and frustrated with baby-sitting and loose patience with my kiddos. sometimes Debo and i argue because of something i said. sometimes i don't feel close to God, and i get distracted and caught up in other things.

however, even with these blemishes to a "picture perfect life" there is such a peace in knowing that He has got my back. a peace in knowing that when i catch myself worrying, and i think of how faulty and a waste of time it is, i start to stop. there's a peace that my main focus is shifting from emptiness (pointless distractions/worries/things) to being filled up with the Spirit. there's a peace in giving my time and energy into others, and loving them as much as i can. there's a peace in surrendering, even when it scares me, to the Lord.

i realize my posts lately have been God focused/spiritually saturated. and the last thing i want to sound like is a christian on a rampage or a christian cliche. the thing is i just see God moving me because i'm finally moving back to Him. it's just refreshing not to be obsessing over my money, my body, and my "me" time (i.e.: myself) and retreating instead into my Savior's arms.

"Come and hear, all you who fear God, and I will tell what he has done for my soul. I cried to him with my mouth, and high praise was on my tongue. If I had cherished iniquity in my heart, the Lord would not have listened. But truly God has listened; he has attended to the voice of my prayer. Blessed be God, because he has not rejected my prayer or removed his steadfast love from me!" ~ Psalm 66:16-20

we all have wood and nails.

2009-08-28T13:34:00.001-07:00

"The critical question for our generation--and for every generation--is this: If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all the friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no human conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied with heaven, if Christ was not there?" ~ John Piper, God Is the Gospel

if we are deeply in love with God, we know we could never be satisfied in a heaven without Christ.

but doesn't that question make you question your own heart and love for Jesus? i def. know it blew me off my chair when i read that.

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"Oh God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips mouth will praise you." ~ Psalm 63:1-5

" Why are the words of Psalm 63:1-5 not an honest reflection of our lives on most days? Lukewarm living and claiming Christ's name simultaneously is utterly disgusting to God. And when we are honest, we have to admit that it isn't fulfilling or joyful to us, either.

But the solution isn't to try harder, fail, and then make bigger promises, only to fail again. It does no good to muster up more love for God, to will yourself to love Him more. When loving Him becomes obligation, one of many things we have to do, we end up focusing even more on ourselves. No wonder so few people want to hear from us about what we ourselves feel is a boring, guilt ridden chore!

...We are called to surrender everything for Christ--a concept most churchgoers are not particularly thrilled by. So what is missing?

God wants to change us; He died so that we could change. The answer lies in letting Him change you. In His counsel to the lukewarm church in Laodicea he declared, "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me" (Rev. 3:20). His counsel wasn't to "try harder," but rather to let Him in. As James wrote, "Come near to God and he will come near to you" (4:8). " ~ Francis Chan, Crazy Love, pp102-103

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Lord may your love blow me away and my love for You overcome all the fear, worry, selfishness, and materialism that i let get in the way of You. Please help to change my heart so that my want matches my need for only You.

random thought.

2009-08-23T16:02:00.000-07:00

"it gains the more it gives
and it rises with the fall
so hand me that remote
can't you see all that stuff's a sideshow?" - frou frou

"everybody wake up." - brand new

hm. these lyrics just seem so appropriate in so many ways for me.

i love you my Jesus.

i love you Debo.

and i love you, yes you.

Come near to God and he will come near to you. - James 4:8

2009-08-19T11:20:00.000-07:00

" If life is a river, then pursuing Christ requires swimming upstream. When we stop swimming or actively following Him, we automatically begin to be swept downstream.

Or, to use another metaphor more familiar to city people, we are on a never-ending downward escalator. In order to grow, we have to turn around and sprint up the escalator, putting up with perturbed looks from everyone else who is gradually moving downward.

I believe much of the American churchgoing population, while not specifically swimming downstream, is slowly floating away from Christ. It isn't a conscious choice, it is nonetheless happening because little in their lives propels them toward Christ.

Perhaps it sounds as though I believe you have to work your way to Jesus. I don't. I fully believe that we are saved by grace, through faith, by the gift of God, and that the true faith manifests itself through our actions. As James writes, "Faith by itself, if not accompanied by action, is dead" (2:17). The lives of many people who call themselves "Christians" in America lack manifestations of a vital and active faith.

And this, to be perfectly honest, frightens me. It keeps me up at night. It causes me to pray desperately and fervently for my congregation, for the groups of people I speak to, and for the church as a whole.

Henri Nouwen writes about this in his book With Open Hands: "It is hard to bear with people who stand still along the way, lose heart, and seek their happiness in little pleasures which they cling to... You feel sad about all that self-indulgence and self-satisfaction, for you know with an indestructible certainty that something greater is coming..."

How many of us would really leave our families, our jobs, our education, our friends, our connections, our familiar surroundings, and our homes if Jesus asked us to? If He just showed up and said, "Follow me"? No explanation. No directions.

You could follow Him straight up a hill to be crucified. Maybe He would lead you to another country, and you would never see your family again. Or perhaps you would stay put, but He would ask you to spend your time helping people who will never love you back and never show gratitude for what you gave up.

Consider this carefully-- have you ever done so? Or was your decision to follow Christ flippant, based solely on feelings and emotion, made without counting the cost?

What scares me the most are the people who are lukewarm and just don't care. I think that if I did a poll of the readers of this book, many of you would say, "Yeah, I am definitely lukewarm at times, but I'm not really at a place to give more to God." Many of us believe we have as much of God as we want right now, a reasonable portion of God among all the other things in our lives. Most of our thoughts are centered on the money we want to make, the school we want to attend, the body we aspire to have, the spouse we want to marry, the kind of person we want to become... But the fact is that nothing should concern us more than our relationship with God; it's about eternity, and nothing compares with that. God is not someone who can be tacked on to our lives.

Remember the visions of John and Isaiah of the throne room of God? Remember the pictures of the galaxies and how tiny we are in comparison? Remember the diversity of God, seen in thousands of species of trees in the rain forest? We say to the Creator of all this magnitude and majesty, "Well, I'm not sure You are worth it... You see, I really like my car, or my little sin habit, or my money, and I'm really not sure I want to give them up, even if it means I get you."

When we put it plainly like this-- as a direct choice between God and our stuff-- most of us hope we would choose God. But we need to realize that how we spend our time, what our money goes toward, and where we will invest our energy is equivalent to choosing God or rejecting Him. How could we think for even a second that something on this puny little earth compares to the Creator and Sustainer and Savior of it all?

We disgust God when we weigh and compare Him against the things of this world. It makes Him sick when we actually decide those things are better than God Himself. We believe we don't need anything Jesus offers, but we fail to realize that slowly, almost imperceptibly, we are drifting downstream. And in the process we are becoming blind, being stripped naked, and turning into impoverished wretches.

..... Are you willing to say to God that He can have whatever He wants? Do you believe that wholehearted commitment to Him is more important than any other thing or person in your life? Do you know that nothing you do in this life will ever matter, unless it is about loving God and loving the people He has made?

If the answer is to those questions is yes, then let your bet match your talk.

True faith means holding nothing back; it bets everything on the hope of eternity. "

~ Francis Chan, "Crazy Love" (pp 95-97)

this hit home for me.

we could be heros. forever and ever.

2009-08-14T11:19:00.001-07:00

so ellie (the four year old i watch) and i were sitting down to lunch. our topic of conversation shifted from "who made the united states?" to "how does God make babies in mommy's tummys" to my personal favorite question of the day, "What will Keagan say when he puts a baby in his wife's tummy someday?" note that keagan is her nearly 2 year old brother.

hahaha. wow. gotta love little kids.

this week has been so busy. i'm absolutely exhausted. full days with 2 or 3 kids, and then busy nights with students and getting to know new Resident Director's (and spouses). i must say that i love hanging out with the new RD's. it's been so good. this is just a great staff this year and i love everyone's willingness to connect and hang out. i'm hoping to see The Time Traveler's Wife with a bunch of the girls tomorrow.

in other news, i feel like God's continuing to show me the meaning of having my identity in Him, along with layering on humility and patience. i def. feel humbled in just being a full time baby sitter with a college degree. i def. need to be patient as i trust that God will help reveal what direction i want to go in with my future and bring me to a job/career that i can feel passionate about. and i def. need to remember i am not defined by who i am with or what job/career/talent/passion i'm doing or fulfilling. i am defined first and foremost by Him, and He is enough. everything else will fall into place. it's just trusting, praying, waiting, and then pushing myself to going out and achieving what i am called to next.

right now, it's just this (babysitting/figuring out if i want to get my masters/or what career-job is for me)... and well, that's an okay place to be.

and so it begins...

2009-08-09T11:16:00.000-07:00

although the summer heat is now in full swing here in indiana. i know deep down that summer is moving fast. which even though i adore fall, i hate to see summer go because i despise winter. however, i refuse to think about all of this now and instead just remind myself that summer lasts thru september anyway.

indiana wesleyan university hired 10 new RD positions this year, which considering that there are 15 positions all together is kinda crazy. debo and i were very excited about the prospect of more new RD's because when he was hired, there was only 1 other newbie, and most of the RD's were going on their 4th year or more. the new people hired are made up of individuals a lot closer in age to us, some married, some single, and some married w/ children. it has been really nice getting to know them this past week, and thru out this weekend. it's just refreshing to be able to build some new relationships with our peers who are experiencing (or are going to experience) the same positons we are in everyday. we are very excited for this upcoming year. we can't wait to have all our guys back in hodson hall, but we also just hope that along with our student relationships we can build some close friendships this year with a lot of these new RD's.

this year i'm also going to be taking on more kiddos. no schedule is really set yet, but it looks right now to be a mixture of my usual two (ellie 4, keagan 1 1/2), with a 2 1/2 year old boy named caleb, and a 18 month year old boy named dovev. on monday i'm going to have ellie, keagan, and caleb. i'm hoping that i will be able to handle 3 or more. i know i'm going to be even more exhausted at the end of the day, but the extra money will be very helpful to us. the only downside is the hours might be kinda weird when i'm watching ones of different parents. for instance i would usually start at 9 to watch ellie and keagan, but with caleb i have to start at 7, which means i might start at 7 and then work 8+ hrs because sitting times overlap. it should be interesting. the kiddos are all very cute though.

with the sitting i also need to be researching IWU grad program stuff, and start working on getting ready for that. you know applications, getting loans/grants, possibly the GRE. blah. you know those tedious things you have to do to go to school. i'm just hoping that i am making the right decision. i guess i'm just second guessing myself, but talking to different people i hear of so many different grad programs that i just really want to choose the one that is right for me. i want to make sure that counseling is indeed where i should be heading. we shall see. perhaps higher education is the field i'd rather pursue. *sigh* who knows. i just wish i was that super driven ambitious person who had big plans and the will to overcome all odds. i'm just so intimidated i think i just want to make the right choice before i dive in, and the problem then becomes "what is the right choice for me?" hm.

it's crazy training time right now for debo, and it's the start of Nanny time for me.

i hope this 1st semester can be a bright one.

i guess it couldn't be as daunting as last years!

i wish i could be watching this cutie too!

(this is izzy, brian and janelle jensen's little girl)

told my love to wreck it all, cut out all the ropes and let me fall.

2009-08-04T08:46:00.001-07:00

"this is my excavation and today is kumran.
everything that happens is from now on.
this is pouring rain.
this is paralyzed." ~ bon iver "Re: Stacks"

it's strange to have alone time when you have gone without it for so long. debo is on a RD retreat until wednesday, and left early monday morning. i don't have sitting this week until thursday or at least friday, so i've had a lot of time on my hands all of a sudden. it's a strange thing when your used to being busy.

i've been distant from God for a while now. i've been distracted and just not really having any form of dialogue with Him. there's been some prayer, yes...but not a lot of me just talking to God. i opened my bible yesterday for the first time in months. the thing is i've felt the distance. i've felt isolated, scared, selfish, and insecure. these things have poured out from me into every aspect of my life.

it's awful how insecurities bring out this ugly side of you. a side that frustrates those who know you better, or turns away people who know you not at all. it brings down your friends and loved ones, and leaves you making decisions strictly for your own personal gain.

i guess it should never surprise me that just talking to God can calm the fear inside me.
and i'm not talking about just some empty pray of formality...but rather pouring out every fear i have to Him.

we fear being alone. we fear not being connected. we fear we have no control, esp of ourselves. it doesn't matter if we are married or single, rich or poor, surrounded by people or isolated in a cubicle. we long deeply for wholeness.

i don't always live it right. i don't always even want too.

but at the end of the day LORD, please let it always be You.

little bits.

2009-07-28T06:14:00.000-07:00

- wow. so we're back from jamaica. it was an amazing 2 week trip.
def. the best trip by far. i won't get into details, because i'm kinda lazy and don't feel like writing them, but yeah it was just wonderful. just great to see friends, and great to experience harmons in a deeper way.

- it's already of whirlwind of transition. however, i feel like this summer has been a constant whirlwind of traveling, living out of suitcase, and going somewhere else. so perhaps i'm getting used to this.

- now we are in pittsburgh for a couple days. my cousin clare was in china most of the summer and we haven't seen each other since christmas, until yesterday night. so today, tomorrow and possibly even thursday will be spent with her. last night she showed me pics of her trip and we caught up, and today we're going to a movie and lunch, and tomorrow we are heading to kennywood with debo and my brother. plus whatever else we feel like doing. i love her so much. i love my cousins so much. hopefully i'll get to see my cousin jena again as well before we head back to indy at the end of this week.

- i can't believe how fast the summer has gone. it's going to be hard to leave pittsburgh i think, and at the same time good to get back into our own place and our own way of life again.

- oh and we got a new car! which we are picking up sometime today! it's a 2009 nissan versa 4-door hatchback. it's blue. it's new. it's crazy since i've never owned a new car before. we're super excited.

- and i think this the worst blog i've ever written. sorry it sounds like a middle schooler wrote this. (nothing against middle schoolers, mind you).

expect better updates soon.

why worry?

2009-07-02T10:18:00.001-07:00

so i'm not sure why i let myself get overwhelmed. i really shouldn't at all. everything falls into place. everything.

- we our in the process of buying a new car, and thanks to the government we might actually be able to get a good deal because our current car is super old and has poor gas milage. thank you obama.

- i asked for a pay raise out of necessity, which i hated doing because i don't like things to be about money. i got it and the mom i work for also is super willing to be accomodating with me with a possibility of taking on another kiddo on top of her two.

- i have decided that i want to take on grad school, and i hope to be squared away and ready to start in January 2010 at IWU. i want to do their masters in counseling, my focus being on school counseling. i have thought about this quite a bit especially while i was working on my undergrad degree. my best friend reg and i would talk about various things we would be interested in doing after we graduated, and that one she always saw me doing, and i always kinda saw myself doing as well. however, the biggest hindering factor to me was money. it scares me to go into more debt, when i already have quite a bit. yet, it hit me one day, since to pursue higher education (unless you are or come from a wealthy family) is to deal with and pay off debt. it's just a part of it, and it's not worth getting scared over. if this is what i want to do i need to pursue it. and just realizing that has given me so much peace.

i always want control. i let that sense of wanting control ruin the fact that really i just need to have faith. i need to trust and know that its going to be okay. things don't always happen in the way or order we sometimes like but it doesn't mean that God is going to leave me alone. i find i need reminded of this often. perhaps i'll get it down someday.

livin. lovin. laughin.

2009-06-28T17:43:00.000-07:00

WOW. craziness. a lot of moving around, a lot of visiting. a lot of me trying to figure out my life to some degree.

i'm just trying to think about what i want to do next. a masters in counseling? become a chiropractor? become a teacher? i don't know. money scares me. life scares me. or maybe american pressure and ideals scares me. i hate that you have to go into debt to do anything that this country deems acceptable.

luckily i have a very supportive husband. i also have an AMAZING God, who sometimes I just stink at trusting.

prayers for the journey of my life are much appreciated.

its been a while...

2009-06-09T06:31:00.000-07:00

wow. so i've been kinda slacking in my blogging here lately. i guess summer will do that to you...spend more time outside doing things and less time in front of the computer shivering under a pile of blankets.

so our crazy travel heavy summer has begun.

we currently are in pittsburgh now. tom and jenine's wedding is this friday, and debo is one of the groomsmen. he will be gone with the boys from tomorrow afternoon on, which i think will be good for him to get some "man-time" with his good guy friends from college. i think the wedding will be a lot of fun, we'll get to see a lot of friends which i look forward too.

my mom and i have also been spending some good quality time together. we grabbed lunch at the cheescake factory yesterday and got ourselves petticures. we took a long walk, chatted non-stop, and just had a really nice time. *sigh* i love visiting my pittsburgh.

we'll be leaving here this upcoming sunday and then traveling 5 hrs to cinncinatti. debo's best man from our wedding is getting married the following saturday there, and debo is in that wedding. plus we are going to help debo's mom get packed all up as she is moving back out to philly/jersey area. then after the weekend as we see his mom off on her 12 hour journey, we're going to stop at the columbus zoo (debo and i love zoo's and animals!), before we make our way back to pittsburgh again.

we'll be there in time to celebrate my 23 b-day w/ my fam, and then the first two weeks of july we have tony mastris and becca's wedding, and then jenn reill and ron's wedding the following weekend. (at least it's all in the pittsburgh area!)

then we head to harmons, jamaica for two weeks at the end of july. we'll be there with the won by one missions organization.

then we fly back into pittsburgh, stay a couple days so i can see my cousin clare (who has left me for china most of the summer, and most of the time i'm in pittsburgh), and then we finally head back to indiana the last week of july, as debo's IWU RD training starts august 1.

crazy i know. it will be good i think though.

on a completely differnt note. debo and i just celebrated our 1 year anniversary on sunday. i can't believe it's been a year! life goes fast. we went to go see the movie UP together, and took a nice long walk, and then we had a delicious dinner w/ my family, and my mom had homemade chocolate cake to celebrate. it was lovely. this first year together has had a lot of challenges, a lot of transitions, and a lot of love. we're aiming for at least 49 more years together. hehehe.

from the picture vault: here's jon & i at my bridal shower in march '08

(surrounded by a bunch of my girl friends)

summer skin.

2009-05-22T10:54:00.000-07:00

Squeaky swings and tall grass

The longest shadows ever cast

The water's warm and children swim

And we frolicked about in our summer skin

I don't recall a single care

Just greenery and humid air

Then Labor day came and went

And we shed what was left of our summer skin

~ death cab for cutie

debo and i have been talking about how we feel our summer skin growing in. it's like the layers of winter skin begin to fall off allowing the warm air to creep into your pores. it's actually being able to smell the air instead of the cold that freezes the insides of your nose. it's feeling exhausted simply because you soaked yourself in pure sunshine. it's a charming, refreshing, and sometimes dare i say tedious time of year, but i love it.

*sigh* oh, sunshine! twist ice cream cones w/ rainbow sprinkles. sun dresses. flip flops. swimming. vacations. rollerblading. farmers markets. fresh air. the zoo. long walks outside. BBQ's. fireworks. painted toe nails. pittsburgh baseball games. time well spent. i love growing into my summer skin.

visiting blessings. :-D

2009-05-16T11:37:00.001-07:00

since we have moved to indiana we have been blessed to have so many people visit and/or stay with us. we love having visitors from out of town, and it has truly been such a blessing to have loving fam and friends willing to trek out here. so thank you: mom, clare, bekah & andrew (on several occasions), mrs. debo, jeff paul, tall john terrana (on several occasions), seth roush, adam foss, chito, tay-tay longo, tyler marwood, megan drew, helen papadopoulos, sarah bruckles & paul, erin & dave stamile, steph kunes & kaitlin anderson (your presense was felt), dana beckwith (danish), and of course our most recent visitors, heather moffat (moo) and katie klos (klosser). so thank you all again for making our first year in indiana brighter!

here are a few picture highlights from my time w/ the girls!

(we all kinda suck at taking pictures so there really weren't many pics to choose from, lol)

(crusing in the previa)

(eating strawberry shortcake)

(a ridiculous sign in marion)

(heather, me and katie at the iwu fountain)

(ah mi pueblo, our favorite local mexican place)

(moo being moo)

(walking out of hodson hall)

(the girls cuddling)

(the girls loved mi pueblo so much we went twice w/ them)

*Sigh* good times good times! have a great week all! oh and just so you know, you are always welcome to visit us here in good old marion, IN!

time flies.

2009-05-10T17:38:00.000-07:00

so my mom always said, that once you turn 20 the years kinda just fly past you. i think she's right.

in june i'm going to turn 23, i'm also going to have been married a year, and well, out of college for a year. i've been out of high school for 5 years now. crazy! i just kinda can't get over how fast it all goes.

at the same time i just feel so blessed. God has been so good.

hope's got this. God's got this.

2009-05-03T12:32:00.000-07:00

every moment of time's just an answer to find what you're here for, what you breathe for, what you wake for, what you bleed for, what you hope for, what you live for.

one of my close girlfriends father came down sick with cancer about two months ago now. he went to the doctor thinking he had pneumonia and found out he had cancer in his one kidney and it had spread a little to his lungs. he had surgery to remove the kidney which went successful, and the family waited to hear the results and the "what's next". this past weekend her papa had a stroke, and internal bleeding in his brain. the cancer had spread there. this morning he is getting surgery.

i get on facebook to read her profile update which says: "in the waiting room...on my lap top...lil sisters by my side...praying...Dad's in surgery getting the brain tumors removed...Hope's got this. God's got this."

i love her so much, and her dad is one of the sweetest men. he has so much wisdom and such a calm, patient, and loving spirit.

Papa please be with him in this surgery. Be with this family in this most scary and stressful of times. Bring healing, bring patience, bring Your love, and please Lord bring Hope. Amen.

hello sunshine.

2009-04-25T08:48:00.000-07:00

it's hard to believe that we have almost made it through our first year here at indiana wesleyan. where did the time go? students finished their finals this past week, and most are now gone for the summer. graduation was this morning for the seniors, and really besides them all who are left are those staying for the 3 week crash courses of May Term. you can def. feel the emptiness on campus compared to the 3,000+ students who live here during the school year. they get done so early here, and they still manage never to start until after labor day.

the weather here has been so wonderful. i've been soaking up the sun and warm breezes, trees are blossoming like crazy, flowers are blooming, and IWU did not dissappoint with its array of tulips (my favorite flowers). i've been so tempted to pick just a few, i do hate to uproot them, but at the same time i love having them in my apt. so i did, and they are currently full blossom on my window ceil.

i had the kiddies outside for a good four hours yesterday. all that running around sure did tire keagan and myself out, however, of course not ellie, she refused to fall asleep during nap time. *sigh* ah well. i hope to tire them out some more in the coming weeks as the weather stays nice.

alas, not too much to update on. after may our life gets crazy again for a summer filled with, dare i say, a bit too much travel. i'm kinda just soaking in the calm breeze before the whirlwind hits. so i'm off to relax with debo, and maybe play some old Sega Sonic games with him before i curl up outside on a blanket. may your weekends be lovely and oh have a tulip or two from me to you.

13.1 miles baby!

2009-04-18T12:35:00.001-07:00

so ironically, the day after my last post...the sun made its way to indiana, and it has been absolutely beautiful ever since, and i have felt so much better ever since!

currently today it is 72 degrees, there are live bands playing outside the dorm, and people are all about sprawled on blankets and socializing. it's lovely.

i started out my day this morning by waking up at 6:30 am, and getting ready to run the "Hodson Half-Marathon." it's a half marathon that happens here at IWU every year. i have never run one before, but truthfully it was one of my life goals.

it was crazy, considering i've never run more than 5 1/2 miles at one time. however, i kept a steady pace with debo, and one of our RA's for 9 whole miles!!! i was so proud, then we walked mile 10, ran 11, and mixed walking/running for 12 and 13. we finished in 2 hrs and 28 minutes, which for me was just great, i felt so accomplished. then after eating something and drinking a ton, i showered, put on a sun dress (yah warm weather) and flip flops and hung out with one of my girlies outside sprawled on a blanket in the warm sun. i'm not going to lie, i'm super super super sore. the last 3 miles were a killer, and my muscles had already started to feel it pretty hard after mile 7.

i just feel so happy. the weather, the run, getting to the run with debo, seeing one of my favorite girls, and just relaxing outside to music. i feel like i'm glowing. lol. i also feel like a dork for just writing that!

i hope you all have a lovely weekend, and i hope the weather is blessing you where you are! :-D

blah.

2009-04-15T18:18:00.001-07:00

i just feel blah. it's cold. i am ready for summer. i feel unmotivated. uncreative. bored. tired. and irritable. blah blah blah.

so i thought i'd share on here.

He is Risen.

2009-04-12T11:27:00.000-07:00

spring is all about renewal. rebirth. growth.

what once was alive, then died, is now alive again.
it's funny how nature itself is such a reflection of its creator.
such a reflection of hope.

i fear death too much. our pastor mentioned at today's easter service how 80% of health care insurance is used the last year of a persons life. for me i know what comes is better then what came before, but i think because i have a tendency to invest more in myself and in this world then in my Lord, i am overcome by fear. when you spend so much time and energy trying to hold onto this life, trying to protect your world, keeping it in your control, you end up with instability.

i don't want to live in fear. i don't want to hold onto this life. i want to invest in Him. i want to live transformed, knowing because of His life, i can take dominion over my sin. through Him we can conquer sin.

spring is such a beautiful reminder of all these things.
and Easter is the beautiful reminder of how God came as a man, and conquered even death.

He is Risen, indeed.

walk into the sun.

2009-04-10T14:08:00.000-07:00

turn your head. look.
have some faith.
listen. love. even when you don't want too.
don't judge. don't criticize. don't tear yourself down.
hold. embrace. stretch. reach.

respond.

fancy some fringe?

2009-04-07T19:15:00.000-07:00

why hello there! i have returned. my trip to pittsburgh was absolutely wonderful. we arrived wednesday around 1 up at geneva. i spent the afternoon/evening/night catching up with friends (some graduated & in the geneva area/some still in school). it was so nice to see these girls/guys and just hang out. i however, had decided to head home to spend the weekend with me mum.

so then bright and early thursday morning i hopped onto 76, to 79, to 279 and drove up to see the beautiful city sprout about in my horizon. then taking 28 i came to my neighorbood, the new childrens hosptial even bigger and ever more visible from my street. my mom was waiting for me and we spent the morning talking over tea and then taking a walk at the allegheny cemetary [ it is the 11th largest in the U.S. and literally there are deer in this fenced in cemetary located admist the inner city neighborhoods of pittsburgh. it is also a piece of history i might add as it was founded in 1844 and has large and elaborate grave stones all over, people just don't make stones like that anymore]. so, yes we walk in a cemetary, but honestly it's one of my favorite places. perhaps it's an escape from our urban metropolis, or because it's just so peaceful there, or perhaps even it's a reminder to me of our mortality which doesn't have to be morbid thing when you think of what's waiting for us.

my mom and i did lots of talking, lots of shopping (she spoiled me rotten), and ate yummy things, watched movies, got petticures and just enjoyed each others company. i also got to spend time with my dad and brother and it was lovely. i just have such great family and i feel so blessed to have them. God is so good. what a beautiful visit. debo also got some much needed time with his guys up at geneva. since so many of his close friends were a year behind him (most of my close girlfriends graduated when i did) i think it was just nice for him to visit with them and hang out, and have guy time with people who don't know him as an RD, his friends. so yeah we had very good times.

on another note i got my hair cut. i kept the length, trimmed my layers, and yes...i did it i got some bangs! (or as the british say, "fringe")... here are some snapshots i tried to capture in a mirror...my sad attempts...but they will have to do because i'm lazy. it's a change. i'm kinda diggin them, and debo loves 'em, so that's a plus. lol.

and well we're back to work, easter is on the horizon and we are staying in the neighborhood (we decided we didn't feel like traveling) so it will be nice just to be home here in indiana. debo's sister is here for the weekend as well so that will be nice to have some company over. it was hard to leave pittsburgh, it always is. however, with 3 of our like 7 weddings coming up this summer being in the area, i know we will be back there come june!

a homecoming.

2009-03-29T19:20:00.000-07:00

debo and i are traveling to pittsburgh this wednesday for a nice long weekend. he'll be spending most of the time up at geneva, and while i'll be visiting a little there, i plan on spending most of the time with me mama. we didn't get much quality time together when i was home in december because debo and i were running around trying to see a lot of our friends and my cousins. so i look forward to some serious girl time with her. which with my mom means: food, petticures, shopping, old movies, and if it's warm nice long walks in our favorite spot in the city. *sigh* goodness i love living in the city and i love my mom.

i've actually had a lot on my mind lately, and hopefully i'll get to post more on that later when i clear out my thoughts. this past week was lovely as i had a ton of free time (i.e. no nannying), but i must say i look forward to seeing my cuties tomorrow morning at 9. blessings on the start of your weeks.

paint the silence.

2009-03-23T15:12:00.000-07:00

how can you say your life is empty, so late in the day?
why would you stay another second? now your sight got in the way.
a combination of love and aggression, another second lived.
don't paint the silence black now save me,
don't leave it a day,
you got a right to stand or die so maybe,
you take chances all the same.
pain comes in stages
if we dont make it, nothing changes. ~ south "paint the silence"

this song is in my head. it reminds me of my freshman year of college. *sigh* ah memories. i listened to so much music that year.

i ran 5 1/2 miles today! it felt so amazing. debo and i are going to be running a half marathon this april so i'm hoping all my running will pay off, because although i'm sure i'll be walking some of the marathon, i'd like to at least jog a good half of the half, lol.

today is debo's birthday. i am making a funfetti cake, lol, i know i'm slacking i could do a homemade one, but the thing is he really loves funfetti cakes so i kinda wanted to do something he'd esp like. i also got him season 1 of Arrested Development, and a very nice and new power drill. he was very pleased.

the sun is shining here, i'm expecting some company so i guess i should get going. however i felt inclined to write something here as it has been a while. hopefully i'll have something more significant to post about soon!

a wednesday afternoon.

2009-03-18T11:04:00.000-07:00

i've opened all the windows in our apartment letting a refreshing light breeze into our home. the sun is shining, the high for today a balmy 68 degrees, and this red-head is soaking it all in on her day off. it's perfect rollerblading weather! so, here's a snapshot of those well loved blades. what a nice pair those two pairs make? hehe. i'm going to get debo to go out with me this afternoon or evening for a glide about campus.

on another note. last semester our desk manager, Fussy, gave us a turkey because he knew we were making a pre-thanksgiving dinner for the RA's. however, at the time i didn't need it since i had the poultry already bought for that meal. he reminded me this week that indeed that 7 pound bird is still in our freezer and he said we should have him over for dinner. so, yes indeed, i have a turkey roasting in my oven, stuffed with stuffing, and a plan for red skin mashed potatos, corn and green beans. mmm. hopefully it will turn out okay, Fussy gave me his mom's recipe for stuffing so i decided to do that kind instead of my own. however, his recipe didn't give rounded measurment sizes or anything, which i guess with stuffing you usually wing anyway. however, it's just a little different from my stuffing so we'll see. all smells good though. we invited a few others over to join us so it should be fun.

lastly, i recieved my vincenzo rizzo watercolor painting late last week, and got it framed and hung up in the living room area of our apt. here's a shot of it nicely framed. so pretty. it's been nice having finishing touches of decorations hung about our walls.

i hope you all have a lovely day.

less is more.

2009-03-13T18:45:00.000-07:00

random thoughts.

wow, i can't believe it's already friday, where did the week go?

i just can't help it. maybe i'm too simplistic, but really for me less is always more.

and to add to that...i am totally digging this haircut. i was watching "what not to wear" and after i saw what they did to sunny here, i just couldn't stop staring at it. i guess i just am ready for a change so i'm kinda getting to the point of being up for anything. i feel that the length and cut of this hair will make it easy to blow dry and straighten (which i would have to do w/ my frizzy waves). however, since it just looks so cute i think i'd be up for the challenge! oh the possibilities. debo and i are visiting pittsburgh the first week of april and mom set up a hair appointment for while i'm there. so i will have some time to think on it.

have a lovely weekend all! :-D

oatmeal darlings.

2009-03-09T19:04:00.000-07:00

what is it about fresh homemade chewy oatmeal cookies? i whipped up a batch this evening adding of course the usual raisins and deciding also that a cup of walnuts was in order. so good. the fella's all enjoyed them as well as we ate them over hockey and the new episode of heros.

last week was positively lovely. spring break. warmer weather. walks. rollerblading. lots of eating out. some shopping. some home improvement and spring cleaning. some fun outings with friends and some great times making new friends. i also managed to make it back up to a 5 mile run (something which i haven't been able to do since last may), it was so invigorating that i am now rehooked on running for distance again. oh and getting paid is always nice! hehehe, good things.

the kiddos are finally over their sickness and i found myself super excited to see them after not being with them for a week. *sigh* and keagan was just so cuddly. i'm just so charmed by these cuties.

for a pair of black eyes.

2009-03-04T14:23:00.000-08:00

a little while back i stumbled upon the blog, lovelydesign. it is such a delightful blog to read. not only does it hold such clever and lovely homemade design ideas it also follows Sharilyn herself who is a new mom with her daughter Addie. she posted a good while back with this picture, and it literally makes my heart melt.

is that not precious? she took this pic of her daughter while she was napping with their cat elliot who had cuddled up with her. i know a lot of people hate cats, but i grew up with them and i just love them. i love dogs too, and i know debo and i want to have one of both when we finally have the space and are in a place that allows them. however, i must say that along with longing for a pet, i find myself more and more really wanting a baby of my own. it's so funny for me to be saying this because, although, growing up i always knew i wanted kids someday, i've never been really the mothering kind of girl. yet, i think getting married and settling down, pretty much nannying a baby & 3 year old almost full-time, and totally adoring the tv show jon & kate plus 8, have left me truly looking forward to being a mom.

don't worry though, hehehe, i'm not in a rush just yet! i think it's good to enjoy the time i have right now just being a newly wed before i start thinking about having a family. i think debo and i will at least wait 3 or 4 years until we make that next step. however, it is fun to think about the future and all the possibilities.

right now though i def. do truly yearn for a pet. every time i return home to pittsburgh i get to cuddle, play with, and tease this little guy:

this is chance. i call him, "chancey pants." this grey beast is the best cat i've ever had. he's literally part-dog incarnate. he has so much energy, he loves people, he's a good greeter, and he's not afraid of anything (not even the vacuum cleaner). he loves to cuddle, and he is the softest cat (his fur is like silky velvet). i soak up my time with him every visit i get to pittsburgh. he's just so enjoyable. he's also super mischievous and gets into lots of trouble. i know people hate cats, or because of their allergies they hate cats, or because they think all cats are mean, or that they are stupid compared to dogs (which is ridiculous, esp if you are a cat owner, and you grew up knowing plenty of stupid dogs), but...i insist...please give him a chance! (pun intended, sorta).

on a completely different note i purchased one last piece of artwork (i need to take a break from buying stuff for my walls now). this beautiful original painting is from italian painter, vincenzo rizzo. it's water color on acrylic paper and the painting itself is called, "For A Pair of Black Eyes." as soon as i saw it i was drawn in. it's youthful, simplistic, and just lovely. not anything against men, but i love the way that God created women. i just feel He knew how to show the softness, the vibrancy, the nuturing soul from the inside all the way out. our Lord is a fine craftsman, and i think this piece by vincenzo does our Lord some justice in portraying his creation of women (at least in this particular painting).

our cozy room.

2009-03-03T19:00:00.000-08:00

wow. i'm on a blogging kick. 3 days in a row. i guess i have more time on my hands without all the students around this week.

they came today! the photos i ordered (i also got my earrings which i am loving!). i've been keeping my eyes out for square frames this past week, however i decided to do something a little different instead and i think it came together nicely. so to copy kel (who just posted lovely photos of the adorable living room in her home), here are some pictures of how our bedroom now looks (try to ignore the poor picture quality here).

debo also found a disposable camera a while back that was mixed up in some of our various packing boxes for our move out to indiana. he actually got the film developed and boy was i surprised. it was pictures from my trip to italy (i went the summer after my sophomore year of college). my digital camera had died during the last part of our trip which happened to be in venice (go figure), so i had to use a disposable. i was just thinking a few weeks ago about my italy trip and how sad it was that i didn't have any of my venice pictures (i thought i had lost the camera). so to make a long story short, i used some of the pictures i took and put them in a frame i got and added it also to our bedroom decor. (note the third picture in this frame was not taken by me, it was a free pic i got from scarlet beautiful 2, that happens to be of the one of the islands in venice i took photos from too).

i feel like our bedroom is becoming a very warm and cozy place. it's fun putting together your first home, even if i can't get away from dorm cinder block walls, or have an adorable fireplace like kel's, or the coolest farm house ever like suz's. (love you ladies *wink wink*).

pretty. lovely. sweet.

2009-03-02T16:38:00.000-08:00

i spy with my little eye some pretty colors, loveliness, and adorable things.

maria bonita extra has my favorite color palette, soft-simple-whimsical dresses, and what i like to call some downright "prettiness-charm".

orla kiely also has lovely pieces i'm totally adoring.

these pins from fomato cards crack me up. my cousins and i always joke about our love for food and how we are chubby kids at heart, lol. fomato cards are equally entertaining.

lastly, but of course not least, i was looking through pictures i took in jamaica and well let's face it God created such beautiful things.

spring fever.

2009-03-01T09:38:00.000-08:00

friday started out as a normal day. debo and i even traveled up to kokomo, IN (w/ a bunch of students) late that afternoon, to stop at goodwill & pac sun (one of our RA's had plans for both of these places). we came back and ordered a bunch of pizza. debo and his RA's went to do room check outs (because spring break week was starting) and i baked cookies with my friend maggie. later hannah showed up and us girls played some rummy. all was well.

around 12 or 1 am however, my stomach started to feel super queazy. to spare you the details, i was up all night and was very Very VERY sick. i haven't been that sick since i got the flu my junior year of high school. i am not sure if it was food poisoning or some sort of stomach flu bug. both ellie and keagan have been sick so i wasn't sure if i got it from those kiddos or if was just something all of its own.

however, i have to say that my hubbie was absolutely wonderful in taking care of me. he stayed up with me pretty much all night. he kept me drinking (which is hard to do when your stomach is queazy), held my hair back, and he did plenty of other things that i will spare you details about. he was just so great that even in my sickness i just found myself so in love with him. hehehe, that sounded cheesy and romantic, but none the less it was so true. he just makes me so happy.

so, saturday was spent recovering all day. i watched plenty of movies on TV and finally was able to eat something, calm my stomach and really sleep.

today i'm feeling a lot better, although i'm not going to push it. it's sunny outside and campus is eerily quiet. it's strange to be around when students are not. debo and i have some plans for this week however, which should be fun. i'm just hoping he himself doesn't get my bug.

*sigh* i just love this kid.

ellie-girl, doctors, & green muses.

2009-02-24T21:05:00.000-08:00

whew. long day. as i watched the little ones today, ellie, the 3 year old told me that her stomach hurt during lunch. poor ellie-girl has been off and on sick for the past 3 weeks. i had her go lay down on the couch and i put on a movie for her. then as i put keagan down for his nap, ellie turned to me as we sat watching cinderalla and said, "i need a towel." i proceeded to ask her why she needed one, just as she picked one up from a basket of folded laundry. next thing i know i have one sick child. i called jamie (her mom) immediately who then decided to take her to the doctors (this will be her 3rd visit in the past three weeks). in the meantime i was making a spot for ellie to lay down on in her parents room (using old blankets), cleaning up the mess of puke, all the while thinking of the joys of motherhood. haha.

so, jamie comes back from her meeting, and she has me help her get ellie ready to go to the doctors. this may seem like a small task, you know shoes, socks, coat, etc. however, ellie is absolutely horrified of the doctors. as soon as her mom broke the news gently to her, she was pitching a fit. she cries so hard that she can't even talk coherently. it's the saddest most pitiful thing to watch an adorable 3 year old just so scared. it makes me wonder how i was when i was that little and had to go to the doctors. i mean i know it wasn't my favorite thing to do, but i don't remember such fearful reactions. for ellie the the conotation of the doctors = shots. so even when you tell her she's not going to get one she still cries her eyes out. one time jamie told me that keagan had an appointment but she had to take ellie along with them, and ellie still threw a fit although she wasn't even the one seeing the doctor. *sigh* that's just so tough, i wonder why for some children it's just a harder thing than for others? i'm praying everything is okay.

on a completely different note...

i've been in such a creative mood today. i edited my blog layout. i adore green and well i decided to bring in some soft greens to captivate that love. i also was looking through some of my photos (including some from my wedding) and decided to tweak my banner too. i used paint shop pro 7, i have had it for years since my fetish for webdesign occured during highschool.

and on another note: i went through with buying those photo prints from scarletbeautiful2. i'm really excited, since our bedroom is the room where we really have nothing on the walls per say. and well the wall above our bed is the perfect place. now i need to go find some frames.

it's actually been quite tough for me lately to resist the urge to buy things online. i think the girl in my dying for summer has been eyeing spring-types-of-things with the earnest desire for something new, like warm weather, and so warm weather clothings inspires me. also, i haven't really bought new clothes since last summer. however, buying stuff like that online is too difficult for me, i'm a "try it on" type of girl. i need to see it on myself to be sure i absolutely like it and would be willing to buy it.

today however, along with purchasing the photos i also splurged on something that i don't usually need to try on: jewelery! i found an adorable pair of stud earrings, that are bright, beautiful, and simple (from sofia masri). hello spring. i'm waiting. ;-D

my quest for wall art.

2009-02-23T20:05:00.000-08:00

so our apt is still in much need of decoration. i'm just super picky about what i want to hang on my walls, and well also most "art" tends to be on the expensive side.

i find that i am such a sucker for photography, it's something i would love to do myself, but i don't have the adequate camera or the money to buy one. so i've been searching a lot of different photography on etsy (and looking in a more affordable range). my goal is to have something to put above our bed which definintely needs well...something.

*sigh* see what i mean?

right now i'm currently digging these prints from the shop ScarletBeautiful2. i think viewfinder photography is just so pretty. i love the sort of distorted/blurry vibe of them. i kinda would like to have these four, and i would matte and frame them in 13x13 frames. then i would hang them 2 by 2, in a sort of square shape to match the square frames.

what more, these high quality prints are pretty affordable at only $9, and the shipping isn't ridiculous. ($1.60 for one, 25 cents for each additional print shipped with it). i don't know i think i just might get these. i've been looking for months now and it has been hard finding something just right and i really like these. if i go through with it i will be sure to post a picture of the results. :-D be sure to check out her shop though. (the link is above).

i need the smell of summer, i need its noises in my ears.

2009-02-20T19:32:00.000-08:00

*sigh* i know it's only february, however, i just can't help but long for summer. as debo and i are currently watching donnie darko w/ a bunch of students in our apt (and i have seen it over a half dozen times), i've been doing some internet browsing for summer clothes. i don't really consider myself fashionable, but i love the idea of fashion. i think it is such an interesting form of self expression. so here are some of my inspirational muses for a casual summer day.

1. leather wristlet - christystudio. 2. sandals - american eagle

3. necklace - noisy plume. 4. dress - jcrew.com

oh sweet summer.

breakfast at tiffany's.

2009-02-18T09:19:00.000-08:00

look how cute that turned out!

i'm shamefully a bisquick kind of pancake making girl. however, i stumbled upon this simple recipe from the blog "nesting habits". the pancakes turned out wonderfully. i added a pinch of powdered sugar on top, and perfecto. would you like to try a bite?

love. love. love. is all you need.

2009-02-14T11:09:00.000-08:00

so debo and i decided we were going to celebrate valentines day next wednesday, since well he is on a retreat this weekend with his staff, and we both have off on wednesdays. i've been planning to wake him up with homemade heart shaped pancakes and sausage and of course eating them by candle light. then giving him the bunch of little surprises. i know cheesy, but it's fun.

debo however, had some surprises of his own. on friday i come home from work, and debo had bought me some fresh red tulips (my favorite) with the sweetest valentine card. he also had hearts scattered all about our apt, each with a number on the back of them and a word on the front of them. it was a puzzle. there were 48 hearts in all, and when i read them together there were lovely song lyrics.

then after i came back from the gym this afternoon, i get this text from him that says, "look in the wooden chest that's in the hallway." in the chest are more hearts and a box of heart shaped chocolates, and another valentine card. lol! isn't he cute?

*sigh* i love him.

happy valentines day! <3>all of your relationships.

*edit* debo also surprised me on sunday, after coming back from his retreat w/ this. he remembered! and i was so surprised. he truly spoiled me this year! what a sweetheart. */edit*

happy hearts. <3

2009-02-09T17:04:00.000-08:00

although i think the holiday itself it sort of silly. there is something about the red, pink, and white of valentines day that always allures me in. the stationary, the hearts, chocolate, pretty bouquets, stickers, cute stuffed things, romantic & fancy dates.

i have always kinda found valentines day outwardly charming...but it also sometimes made my heart hurt. mainly because i was often longing for a romantic relationship of my own and v-day was a reminder of my single-ness. however, i made up my mind my sophmore year of college that i was going to make valentines day a fun thing whether single or not. in fact that year i mailed out these adorable valentine cards to all my girl friends and had tulips delivered to them all. the next year of college, although i was in my first serious relationship then, i left little presents for all my freshman girls (i was their RA) outside their doors: little valentine day cups, w/ stickers, candy, and little valentine cards. so cute.

*sigh* i think when i have kids i want to make valentines day a fun thing for them as well. making homemade valentine cards, doing heart cut-out sandwiches, or pancakes, or etc. decorating, scavenger hunts, then making homemade candy, and of course surprising them with something heart-felt. i know, i know i'm a bit of a nerd or rather a sap...perhaps even both.

anyhoo...i just love these ideas for hearts day.

aren't those cut out cookies precious? and personalized candy! so clever & cute! (inchmark)

i love stationary. especially handmade. these are both simple & sweet. (hobocampcrafts) (creative thursday)

something cuddly. i love this wool handmade creation.(sian)

charming pottery hearts. wouldn't that be adorable on your coffee table? (jdwolfepottery) and although i'm not even a tea/coffee drinker i still love this pretty little mug. (lisatoni)

happy hearts!

twenty-five.

2009-02-06T18:58:00.000-08:00

so i've actually been witnessing a lot of 25 random lists on both blogs and facebook. so i decided to follow the trend. here are 25 random facts about me.

1. i was born and raised in the inner city of pittsburgh. i will always be a city girl at heart, and pittsburgh will always hold a special place in my heart.

2. until i got married, i actually lived in the same house that my father grew up in, that his father grew up in, and so forth.

3. my favorite muppet is gonzo. i actually still own a stuffed version of him that i got as a kid and it sits on top of a speaker in our living room.

4. i would take one tulip over a dozen roses any day.

5. i love the caribbean and have been blessed with the opportunities to have traveled to the bahamas twice, aruba twice, and jamaica 3 times.

6. i absolutely adore the tv show: jon & kate plus 8. i love how real they are, i think there kids are adorable, and i tell debo that i'm sad are kids won't look asian.

7. i had a terrible skiing experience in high school. making me dread going back. however, my wonderful husband made me go (kicking & screaming as i went, lol) this past december and i truly enjoyed it.

8. i still sometimes have nightmares with dinosaurs in them because i went to see Jurassic Park in the movie theater when i was in the second grade. my mom immediately would regret letting me go when nightmares plagued me for weeks. i actually do love that movie though.

9. i love the colors green, gray, and brown.

10. when we finally live in a place that allows pets debo and i want a dog and a cat. we really like great danes. but i utlimately want to get both from animal shelters.

11. my parents were super open about their sex life. it ultimately made me super comfortable with talking about that oh-so-taboo subject. i'm honest and i don't think christians should be afraid to discuss it. it is something that all of us come into contact with (whether before or after marriage), and a lot of us struggle with (GIRLS, and guys) and i think struggles need to be discussed in order to encourage and support the body of Christ.

12. i never realized how selfish i was until i got married.

13. i love being married. i love how much debo and i are learning about each other. i love how much we laugh. i love working through things. and i love our ministry of working with college students.

14. i have always been into journaling and have journals far back as elementary school. it's hilarious reading them.

15. i took japanese in high school for two years. i had the best japanese teacher. we just called him sensei and he was my only teacher crush. ironically he was actually italian with bleached blonde hair and big blue eyes.

16. i have had various nicknames thru the years: laur, larenzo, leelu, la, lala-bean, lu-bean, and let's not forget LP.

17. i will always have a soft spot for the music of the early 90s. nirvana. gin blossoms. the verve pipe. collective soul. to name a few.

18. i love baking. cooking. spices. the food channel. cook books. eating out. ethnic food. tasting things. fresh bread. olive oil. hole in the wall places w/ amazing atmosphere & food. chocolate. eating healthy. eating w/ family & friends.

19. i love pomegranites. their color, taste, juice, everything.

20. i hate doing laundry, i hate folding and putting away clothes. however, i have no problem doing dishes and do them frequently.

21. i have 20 first cousins. most of us are close in age and close in general. my cousins sarah, jena, and clare were in my wedding. clare was my maid of honor. i love them dearly.

22. debo and i already have 5 weddings to go to this summer.

23. my best friend regina and i have our own language and voices. if you didn't know us any better you'd think we were crazy.

24. there is something about stationary that i just absolutely adore. i love getting and sending mail.

25. i am a summer girl. i was born in june. i love freckles and am sad that mine have faded through the years. i burn before i tan, and i don't really care about tanning that much. i love swimming and water. being outside. enjoying God's creation. flip-flops, sun dresses, and tank tops. *sigh* i can't wait for it to be summer again...or at least spring. :-D

quote worthy.

2009-02-05T16:43:00.000-08:00

"the answer isn't in removing things from your life or adding more rules to follow. the answer is giving your life back to the God who created you. and he's every bit as real as flesh and blood, the earth, reason."
- francine rivers
an echo in the darkness

seventy times 7.

2009-02-05T15:27:00.000-08:00

*sigh* pride can be such a spiteful thing. it's just so frustrating.

i hate it when other people use it to belittle you and build themselves up.

i hate it when i let it distort the best of me.

why do i feel like i have to prove myself? in reality i have nothing to prove to any person.

in the end it's just me before my LORD.

and in the end pride just leaves a bitter taste in my mouth.

fresh goodness.

2009-02-03T19:05:00.000-08:00

perhaps it is an indulgence but there is one thing i cannot walk away from when i'm at the grocery store. fresh fruit. i love it. currently i have grapefruit, peaches, nectarines, and strawberries. mmmm.

what's your favorite fruit?

a pinch of spice.

2009-01-31T09:39:00.000-08:00

i thought i'd customize my blog a little. just add a pinch of spice to make it feel a bit more like me and mine. still simple, but more personal.

i love saturdays. i slept in until 11:30 (which is still early for some). but i get to relax and just go about my day at my own pace. well at least usually unless we have something specific planned. i have an inkling to bake some fresh oatmeal cookies. saturday nights are usually our game nights where students come over and we play anything from rummy to settlers of cataan. it's a pretty good time actually. it's also nice to have something freshly baked to serve everyone. one of our boys, our desk manager, whom we call "fussy" gave me his mom's pumpkin cookie recipe probably sometime in august. they little babies are fabulous. i make them all the time. they have this great icing on top and they aren't too dry. perfecto! in fact i always keep a can of pumpkin in our pantry just in case i want to make a batch. hm. perhaps i should make those.

in fact here's the recipe:

1 cup shortening/or butter.

1 cup sugar.

1 cup pumpkin.

2 cups flour.

1 tsp. baking soda.

1 tsp cinnamon.

1/2 tsp. salt.

1 egg.

cream shortening/butter, sugar and pumpkin. add egg and mix well. add dry ingredients and spoon on ungreased cookie sheet. bake at 375 for 10-12 minutes.

icing ingredients:

3 tbsp. butter

4 tsp. milk

3/4 tsp. vanilla

1/2 cup brown sugar

1 cup powdered sugar

cook butter, milk and brown sugar in a small sauce pan on stove top until it dissovles (no lumps). cool and add powered sugar and vanilla. wire whisk works best. wait for pumpkin cookies to cool and then freshly ice each cookie.

have a lovely weekend all. <3>

we're fated to pretend.

2009-01-28T08:41:00.000-08:00

i'm just pretending that foot of snow didn't fall last night.

meetings, conversations, laughter: our boys.

2009-01-27T16:53:00.000-08:00

tuesday is the annual business meeting in our apt at 6 pm. which means debo's staff of 7 guys comes over and they cover various RA duties, etc. i'm usually in on most of their meetings, since well it's in our apt and it's not like we have a huge place. i actual don't mind i enjoy listening, discussing, and laughing with them. and with 7 of them plus debo, you can imagine there is a lot of those 3 things going on.

thursday consists of covenant meetings which go from 6-8pm. this "meeting" is really for the staff to hang out with each other, and take a break. usually the guys are over and we play rockband, go out to random spots, eat homemade creations (i've made), discuss, and of course laugh. we've currently been watching Band of Brothers during that time which is awesome, because i haven't seen it all the way through. it's so addicting, it is so well done.

i love our guys a lot. they have made this experience for us just so enjoyable. i've had so many great conversations with these men, and i think in turn debo and i have offered them a peek into what married life looks like. good, bad, silly, honest, and raw. i feel like these guys have become a part of our family here in a way.

so just to give you an idea about these fellows. i'll give you a brief synopsis of each of them, using 3(-ish) adjectives a piece, making it short and sweet.

1. tiki [ARD]. political guru. faithful. a good heart.
2. ben [RA - 3 north]. honest/thoughtful. calming. mischievious.
3. micah [RA - 2 west]. real laid back. punk rocker. easy to chill with.
4. vince [RA - 2 north]. sweet heart. super easy going. intricate thinker. (he's our game night buddy)
5. curt [RA -1 north]. one of a kind. hilarious. opinionated. passionate. (and in his own words, "a good egg.")
6. chris [RA - 3 west]. outgoing. vibrant. lots of energy. my kid brother.
7. ryan. [RA - 1 west]. laid back. gentle spirit. our outdoors guy.

good eggs. good eggs.

real simple.

2009-01-25T20:31:00.000-08:00

i like simplicity a lot.

i like it in the way i percieve life.
i like it in my decorating.
i like it in the clothes i wear. etc. etc.

it's not that i don't know that our world is intricate, detailed, and ultimately an organized chaos. it's just that i love to appreciate the little bits of everything, piece by piece. barefeet in fresh grass. the smell after rain. vanilla icecream cones w/ rainbow sprinkles. a kitty in my lap. sleeping in late with my husband.

so it's no surprise to me that i love this piece of handmade jewerly.

it's simple and beautiful. just how i like it.

the noisy plume. her little etsy shop has some beautiful pieces in it. it makes me wish i knew how to do metal work.

i'm going to"nudge-nudge wink-wink" debo about this necklace for valentines day. lol. ;-D

exhausted & reflective.

2009-01-23T15:30:00.000-08:00

marion, IN is not exactly a golden place for opportunity in the working world. it has some of the highest unemployment in the entire state. it's a small town, with a lot of factory workers...and not much else.

although indianapolis is only 1 1/2 hours a way, i just found myself with no desire to get a job with such a long commute, esp. since i have no idea what i really want to do with my life.

so, not only are finding jobs tough in the current state of our country's economy, or the fact that i live in a small town, but i also don't know what i want to be doing.

originally when we moved here in july, i tried to find a job on campus, but there were really no open doors whatsoever. so i got a job at the tiny "mall" that marion had. it was a store called maurices and i worked as a sales associate and it was okay. i worked with really nice women but ultimately i worked there for only about 2 1/2 months. evening and weekends were the days i worked, which sucked because that was the time i got to spend time with debo and students. so for the little pay i made, and with the crappy hours and times i had to work it just wasn't worth it. i talked to debo and he agreed. and then for a while i wasn't doing anything...which drove me crazy.

finally, God opened up a small door. it's not this amazing career, or something i want to do for the rest of my life. but He opened a door none the less that gave me a chance to make a little money and do something with my days. what do i do, you ask? well, i babysit. two little ones, a girl named ellie who is 3 and a little boy named keegan who is 1. they keep me super busy and are teaching me a ton about children in general since i didn't have a lot of babysitting experience prior to this. they are the children of another RD on campus, who originally was having various college students watch her kids during the day while she had to work. now that she has me she has a full time sitter (i watch the kids from 9am to 4:30-5pm) during the week.

i will tell you this. it's exhausting. i give kudos to all parents.

i am glad that it's friday and as i sit on the couch watching TLC and typing this i just feel so thankful. i'm glad to be doing something. no it's not my ideal, it's not what i'm going to do forever, but for now its my life, it's good, and i don't mind taking it one day at a time.

hibernation.

2009-01-17T12:17:00.000-08:00

okay. so i think i've always known this, but this year in particular i really feel it deeply.

i am not a winter person.

winter to me is that dark abyss time of the year where i can no longer go outside and pleasantly walk around, or rollerblade, or bike ride, or simply sit on a blanket and read a book. instead it's the time of year i feel forced...or trapped rather inside where i end up doing a lot of nothing and quite a considerable amount of sitting. *sigh*

i also have little motivation to wear anything other then sweat pants & hoodies. i just hate being cold... jeans make me feel cold. so i like to think of this period of time hibernation. because i indeed feel like hibernating.

also, i'm not sure why but i really feel like hibernation should be spelled with a "y"...hybernation. yeah random i know but it just looks better to me for some reason.

i'm ready for spring. i'm just hoping IN has less rain during spring time then Western PA.